Glory Babies - Wichita, KS

October 2011

2011-10-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

We had the pleasure of meeting three new gals tonight, in addition to one who came back who we were so glad to see again!

Tonight was a bit of a hodge podge of topics. Lots of word pictures, which work well for me...but if they don't for someone else, well, tonight may have been a little hard to follow!

First I read the ladies a blog post that you can read here. It's talking about things that act as bungee cords, snapping us backwards as we try to move forward, and how to cut the cord. Not that what is behind you is bad or must be forgotten, and not that what is ahead is excellent or what you want, but that in order for us to continue walking we have to be free of things that snap us back.

I shared about one of the things on my 1000 gifts list - being thankful for weeding the sandpit after it rained. Weeding sets off my allergies, I'd rather there not be weeds in the first place, weeding is still work, even after rain. However, after the rain they come up easier and I get more of the roots, which means a smaller chance that the exact weed will grow back. Seeing weeding as a chance to be thankful rather than a chance to gripe. And drawing a parallel to life - people often connect rain with trials and difficulty. Yet it is often after a storm that we see most clearly and can uproot what had been holding us back. Things we may have not realized if the storm had never come.

Sometimes it's when we're telling God exactly how we feel and how wrong this seems and how we don't understand that we hear ourselves saying a deep-rooted lie we didn't even realize we believed. Now is the perfect time to uproot that lie.

Amy brought up what she'd been learning in Bible study about the word "hope," and how Biblically it doesn't mean what we think it means. We use the word to mean something we'd like to have happen but aren't sure will happen. But the Bible uses hope to mean something we are assured will happen. We are assured of God's promises, so we can hope in them.

The idea of hope is key to how life with God is radically different than life without God. With God we can have times of despair, anger, frustration, deep disappointment, and grief, while always knowing that there will be a way out at some point in time. Without God, there is just despair, anger, frustration, deep disappointment, and grief - never ending, no reprieve imaginable. I am so thankful to be on the side of hope. To have hope at my side. To have hope in my heart.

Jeans that fit...Pain change you

2011-09-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

Here is an all-too-familiar scenario: you go to a store to buy a pair of jeans. You pick up several styles in the size you used to be and head to the fitting room. Why they call it that, when almost nothing fits when you're in there is beyond me. But I digress. You try on all of the pairs and get frustrated, possibly even emotional. They just don't fit! This is the size you used to be! Why have things changed? You didn't ASK for them to change. You didn't WANT them to change.

But they have.

Now you're faced with a few options. 1)Buy the old size jeans and fight with them every day, a constant reminder that you're no longer the old size. 2)Don't buy jeans at all and just hide out in seclusion because nothing fits and therefore you are in pjs all day. 3)Buy whatever size jeans you are RIGHT NOW that look as good as possible on you and feel as comfortable as possible.

On this side of the fitting room, options 1 and 2 seem illogical at best. It just makes sense to wear what fits you, to accept the size you are right now and move forward, even if that includes working toward change.

What in the world does this have to do with pain or loss? I'm glad you asked!

When we face a loss, we are changed. Forever. But wait - that doesn't have to come across as depressing. Change, while hard, is not necessarily bad. A lot of times change is good, in our best interests, a blessing in disguise down the road. That doesn't mean that the loss that preceeded the change is good or a blessing, just that the resulting change can be good and a blessing. We say that we believe God works all things together for good and that He doesn't waste pain, using it instead to increase our Godly character. Yet we often live and act as though all is lost, or as though we are simply surviving until we return to the "old" us.

Sometimes friends and family do not understand the changes pain has brought into our lives - they expect us to be going through a phase and to soon return to normal. What they do not understand is that what was normal is no more. We have a new normal. This isn't a normal that includes forever gaping open wounds, but a normal that does not attempt to ignore or hide our scars.

Remember how Christ showed His scars? He could have risen without them, but instead they were there for all to see. They increased His believability, credibility, and impact on others. In the same way, showing our scars, or letting them be seen, will benefit those we encounter.

We have to accept that how we are today is the new us. It isn't necessarily the forever-on-this-earth us, but it is true for right now. While there may seem to be an abundance of negative aspects of the new reality, there are positives as well. We just have to decide it is ok to find the positives and begin looking for them.

Better to be comfortable with where God has you right now, today, with a heart willing and ready to grow and learn, rather than fight against yourself every day in desperate hopes of forcing yourself to be how you used to be.

One more thought. It is almost as though we have made the assumption that if the loss had not happened, we would have always remained the way we were. But God doesn't let ANYONE stay the way they are! He has so much for each of us, and it will involve change of some sort. The enemy would love to convince you that because of your loss, you will forever be living a second rate life. But that is in direct opposition to what God promises about having a plan for your life, about blessing you abundantly, about loving you with an everlasting love.

Say it with me: This is how I am today. There are blessings in today. I choose to trust God, walk with Him wherever He leads, and continually surrender my life plan in exchange for His plan for my life.

Boundaries

2011-08-20T23:08:00.001-05:00

In a perfect world, there'd be no need for this ministry. Within the reality of this broken world, the best scenario would be that every woman who experiences the loss of a baby or of the dream of being pregnant would be surrounded by people who are actually helpful and supportive. Instead, most of the women we have met have at least one person in their lives who is more of a burden than a support. Most of the time these less-than-helpful people mean well, and want to help, but they just keep messing up.

While we wholeheartedly recommend seeing past the words and actions of well-meaning people, seeing instead their heart of love, there comes a time when it is important to put some boundaries in place. This is easiest to do with the people on the outside rings of relationship - those you only see once in awhile, with whom you have not invested much time or relational energy. However, the closer you get toward the center ring of relationship, the stickier boundaries become and the more pronounced the consequences may be.

For example, if you have a parent or in-law who is consistently draining your tank rather than filling it, perhaps by acting as though you should be supporting them rather than them supporting you, it's time for a boundary. Let me be clear - I'm NOT advocating selfishness or overlooking the needs of others. It's not like a time of grief removes all responsibility for being a blessing to others. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do is put a boundary in place that will actually preserve the relationship long-term, even if it seems to threaten the relationship in the short-term.

Boundaries can include limiting the duration or frequency of phone calls, emails, or visits, changing the topic to something neutral or more positive, and even not sharing with that person the things with which you are struggling. If someone isn't supporting you during your season of grief, stop looking to that person for support! This isn't the time to idealize a relationship, focusing on how it ought to be or could be or might be one day. Be honest with yourself, and look for the people God has placed in your life who will actually support you. Of course nobody is perfect, and outside of God, everyone will let you down. We'll forget an important date, not return a call or email as quickly as you'd hoped, say something insensitive, or talk too much about our own situation instead of giving you space to process. But hopefully you'll see which people are chronic offenders and which ones are simply human.

Many women have commented that they felt they needed to be strong for those around them during loss. While there is a place for being strong, be careful! It just might give people the impression that you are doing better than you actually are. How can they help you if they don't know what you need? Honesty and vulnerability can be scary things, but without them you are almost certain to be disappointed and let down. Those who truly love you will give you the space you request and will respect the boundaries you put in place. They may kick and scream before they accept the boundaries, but they'll come around. And I bet you'll discover that the relationship will then be stronger and healthier than ever before.

July 2011

2011-07-29T00:38:00.000-05:00

Some random thoughts from tonight:

God's ways are higher than our ways. So why do we try to figure it out? We don't have to make sense of things. We just have to trust Him. We may not see His plan right away, or even at all, but that doesn't change the fact that He is in control, loves us more than we can imagine, and has amazing plans for us.

The enemy, in a continual quest to steal that which God has given us, lies to us - often the same lie - in areas already wounded. Rather than climb steadily toward healing, he wants to paralyze us with the same fears and lies over and over again. We must choose to ignore his voice and instead listen to God's gentle whispers of truth. Sometimes we have to search for the lies, as they are often hidden by our thought patterns. As hard as it may be, we need to identify the root belief, determine if it's true, and either find God's answer for the truth or His answer for the lie. Either way, we do not have to remain stuck.

Losses of any kind can include loss of relationship, at least to some extent. It can be hard to choose to reach out to people after being hurt, rejected, or misunderstood. Yet we were created for community with others, to know them and to be known by them, to bless them and to be blessed. When we are sure of who we are in Christ, we can offer ourselves to others, in all of our strengths and weaknesses, and weather any conflict that may arise. Damaged relationships are painful, there's no denying that. But they need not define who we are or keep us from building other relationships. We must learn to approach others with an open mind, not being defensive or assuming they will think badly of us if they only knew us.

Finally, for those of us who tend to think too much, go ahead and imagine that whatever you are fearing or avoiding were to happen. Take it all the way to it's logical end. And ask yourself "then what?" At the end of the "then what" answers, you are left with the same promises of God you would have if life went just as you planned it. He does not change, and His promises do not change. Ultimately, a life full of loss but full of God's presence is better than a life without loss and without God.

June 2011

2011-06-17T23:47:00.000-05:00

This month's gathering was what I had originally imagined our gatherings would be...and that's not saying there's anything wrong with how they have been! I went with a topic ready to share, opening up conversation about what will now be July's tentative plan, but instead we were able to just be a community of women sharing hurts and losses, as well as hope and truth.

The enemy steals, kills, and destroys, but God redeems and restores. His gifts are abundant and His plans for us are amazing. We have to hold on to those truths even when it seems impossible for them to be true. We think we want to know the future; we think we want to know how He will answer the deepest desires of our hearts. But I have come to realize that what we actually want is to know that He will answer those desires exactly as we want Him to. It is so hard to imagine that He could have a plan that is seemingly opposite our plan and yet is immeasurably better. As much as I'd like to have some questions answered, in the end I am glad that He who knows best and loves perfectly is calling the shots. Hold on, it's bound to be a wild ride.

Psalm 73:25-26
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

May 2011 - Abundance

2011-05-27T22:52:00.002-05:00

Baseball – when throwing a ball, where you look and where you point your finger is where the ball goes, regardless of where you SAY you want it to go or even where you truly WANT it to go. Saying and wanting are not enough. It takes focus and choice of what to point at. Keep this illustration in mind as we continue.

You can spiral up toward God or spiral down away from Him – it is your choice; you cannot remain still.

The enemy steals, kills, and destroys. He may have stolen your hope, dreams, goals, etc., or killed or caused destruction to a person or thing that you love/treasure/etc., but don’t let him continue to steal, kill and destroy as a result of you not choosing to focus on God and the good that God IS and the good that God WILL bring forth.

So here is where it gets tough...and here is where I pray that you understand my heart and what I mean, and don't get turned off by how harsh this may come across. It is not meant as harsh, and it is difficult for me to live out - so I'm certainly not asking of you anything I am not striving for myself! Just read it all the way through with an open mind, and ask God to show you His truth.

We can focus on the “not enough” or focus on the “abundance.” We don’t have a “right” to ANY good thing. We have longings, often placed in our hearts by God, but we do not have a RIGHT to anything. Rather than lament the short time we had with someone, we should be aware of and thankful for the abundance we DID have. We do not have a right to tomorrow, or even to the next second of today – for our own life, or for the lives of those we love. Every moment we HAVE had is proof of God’s blessings, of His abundance, of His love toward us. Sure, it feels like much less than love to have these losses, but each loss also represents abundance. Every good thing, every good moment, every good anything is abundantly more than we deserve. Perfect life, where our every longing was fulfilled, could only have happened in the Garden of Eden. Because we are not there, perfect life cannot happen. But God chooses to still shower abundance upon us. Can we see it? Will we choose to look for it? Will we trust that it is there? Will we look back and realize that it has been there all along? Will we look ahead and KNOW that it will be there in our every moment?

Even if the ONLY thing you can see in your life, or in a situation, is that God was/is with you – isn’t that still proof of His abundance? For as many times as we have each failed Him, disobeyed, fallen short, He still is with us…isn’t that abundance? Yet we have so much more than that! Of course loss still hurts, and it may always hurt. Of course we grieve – God also grieves. He is not the author of stealing, killing, or destroying. He is the author of life. He is the healer, the great physician, the provider, the giver of strength.

The enemy wants us to believe that because of one loss, or even multiple losses – because of something that was stolen, killed, or destroyed, that there will never be a time of redeeming that loss, never a time of restoring, never a time when abundance is seen again. But to believe the enemy is to allow him to continue to steal from us, to continue to kill and destroy that which God has purposed in our lives. It is to choose to miss out on the abundance that is happening all around us, the abundance of now.

This is all about perspective. This is about remembering, grieving, longing, yes – but also about remembering, hoping, SEEING. (What will we remember? For perhaps it is the stuff of remembering that is the first step of both spirals.) Oh that we may SEE the abundance all around us – in our own lives, and not just in the lives of others. For when we see, our perspective changes. And while we grieve, we also find life. For God gives life, and he has abundance waiting for you and for me.

Back to the baseball illustration. If we focus on the stealing, killing, and destroying, if we point out all the things around us and in our lives that are lost and stolen, then our lives will head in the negative direction, spiraling downward. The more of the negative we focus on, the more negative we see, and it is overwhelming and fills us with despair. BUT if we focus on the giving, the abundance, if we point out all the things around us and in our lives that we HAVE, things we have no right to have, we will go in a positive direction, spiraling up closer and closer to God. And the beauty of this is that as we spiral up, we see more and more of His goodness, more and more of His abundance in our lives. Spiraling up doesn’t mean an epiphany every time you open the Bible, nor does it mean that you spend half of every day having a quiet time. It just means that you are desiring Him more, leaning into His truths, seeking His face in each day.

It’s not some super-spirituality that only a few can attain. It is a relationship in which God is inviting each of us to share life with Him.

Where will you focus? Where will you point? Because where you look and where you point is where you will go. Want it, say it, focus on it, point toward it. Point with relentless abandon. Point even when it doesn’t make sense. Point even when everything in your natural body is screaming at the injustice of what you are experiencing. Point to God and His abundance. It is all you have. And it is everything.

And it is enough.

April 2011 - Stepping Stones gals are back!

2011-05-27T13:41:00.000-05:00

Hooray for repeat-sharers :) Yes, that was probably grammatically incorrect, but you know what I mean, right?

Janet and Lynn (and Leslie in spirit) again blessed us with some of their God-given wisdom. First, a few random thoughts I wrote down as they shared...I promise it'll get more cohesive as this post moves on. Who knows what I was thinking at the beginning?

Hebrews 12:11 - Discipline is training in righteousness, not a punishment for sin.
Job 3:16 - the Bible recognizes stillborn babies as infants.
Isaiah 65:20 - in heaven, babies won't die before their time

A few things Janet remembers learning during her journey through infertility:
- the world is not out to get me
-those around me who are fertile are not out to get me
-couples with kids, or with a certain number of kids, are not blessed while I am not blessed (kids don't define whether or not I am blessed)
-focus on the blessings I HAVE received
-God says, 142 times, to remember
-keep my eyes on the path God has for ME, not the path He has for others
-He has a unique purpose for each of us.

In Isaiah, it says that God does not thresh all grain the same. He knows the exact pressure for each piece of grain, for it's intended use. We have to trust that the way God is choosing to thresh us is exactly right for the purpose He has chosen for us. (And the way He is choosing to thresh another person is exactly right for the purpose He has chosen for them as well.)

Be more honest and open with friends and family members. Remember that if one partner is infertile, both are infertile (it's not about blame or who is at fault - you are ONE body).

Walk outside your door and find someone you can minister to. Isaiah 58:10 - as you minister, your grief lifts. Janet shared that at one point in her journey, she quit kicking against God's plan for her life, and invested in a ministry. (Doesn't have to involve kids though!) The ache in her heart remained, but a joyful ache, not a bitter ache, believing God's best for her. You have to lay it down and let Him pick it back up if that is in His plan. Make God the singular source of your delight. Psalm 37:4 -He will either give you what you are currently desiring or show you something else you are desiring (or that He causes you to desire).

She remembers God asking her "will you love me if I don't give you any children/any more children?" If you don't get what you want, how will you regard God? God's word is to give life, not to steal life. You will reap what you sow - choose now how you will respond to God's chosen gifts.

Never consider adoption as a second best option. Adoption is God's FIRST choice - look at how we, as Christians, are considered to be part of His family!! Sometimes God closes a womb and opens a heart. But adoption should never be the fall-back option.

Journal - it is important to be able to look back and remember God's faithfulness. Look back at the lessons learned...but also keep moving forward!

Make sure your hope, faith, trust, and confidence are in God - not in your doctor. Think medical decisions through to the very end, so you are not caught off guard by a morally or ethically difficult decision that resulted from a previous choice you made.

Enjoy life - don't lose it to bitterness or wishing for kids or more kids. Wishing for kids can become a controlling disease.

You have permission not to attend a baby shower! For Janet, there was a time when attending a shower caused her to question God, so it was best that she not attend. It wasn't about jealousy or anger. And if you are hosting a shower, it can be very helpful for those struggling in this area if you include a line like: "if for any reason you can't come, know that you are loved, welcomed, and excused."

God wants to comfort us, but it's our choice whether or not to receive it. Focus on God - the Giver, not on the gift you seek. If you gain children but lose God, you have lost it all. Are you wanting something more than you are wanting God's will?

If I can't have what I think is best, God must have something better. Trust Him. Yield to God's purpose in your circumstance. Quit kicking.

Oh, one more thing - angels are not recycled people! When a baby dies, it is not accurate, necessary, or even helpful to say that God needed another angel. :)

March 2011 - Beauty FOR Ashes

2011-03-18T02:20:00.000-05:00

We were incredibly blessed by one of our gals, Tanya, who shared with us. She gave us some background, including a recent adoption that fell through at the very last minute. Something in her heart knew it wasn't going to end up how they'd hoped, yet she had been so sure they were following God's lead. Perhaps even more than the loss of the baby, losing confidence in her ability to discern and follow God's voice rocked her world. Had she just heard her own longing for a child? Had God really led them across the country only to send them home with empty arms? It just didn't make sense. And where to go from there, when nothing seemed certain? It felt so out of control, in a panic-inducing kind of way!

As time has gone on, Tanya once again feels confident that they did, indeed, hear God leading them regarding the adoption. The ending, surprising to them, was not one bit surprising to God. So what was the purpose of that pain? Was it somehow for the birthmom? Or for some greater purpose they'll understand down the road? Or will they not know until heaven?

Tanya shared a portion of an online devotional she read one morning. It talked about a book that the author had read for several weeks, continually vacillating betweeen wanting to quit reading and wanting to know how it all would end. If she quit part way through, she'd be left with the hopelessness found in the middle of the book. She had to read the whole thing, every page, to discover the whole story and to figure out the author's point/purpose in writing. Every page had value in the grand scheme of the book, even if that particular page included hard things. At the end of the devotional, two questions were posed: If your life was a story, what would the title be? What chapter are you on?

Assuming God does not call us to heaven in the immediate future, we are not at the end of our book. We are somewhere in the middle. Chapters have come and gone, more are in the future. Our current chapter may be filled with loss, pain, confusion, anger, doubt, etc., but it is not the end of the story. It plays an important part in the overall story, but it is not the end.

Isaiah 61:1-3
¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
   because the LORD has anointed me
   to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
   to proclaim freedom for the captives
   and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
   and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
   instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
   instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
   instead of a spirit of despair.

This section of Isaiah 61 is called The Year of the LORD's Favor. In verse three, it talks about God giving beauty for ashes. Tanya explained how she had first thought the verse said "beauty FROM ashes," but it's actually "beauty FOR ashes." FROM ashes seems to indicate that God will use the ashes to create something beautiful - kind of a recycling idea. FOR ashes, however, indicates that God will exchange beauty for our ashes. We won't have our ashes after we've been given the beauty. How many times do we want to hang on to our ashes? We hesitate handing them over to God, because they seem to be all we have left of our dreams, hopes, and goals. We don't know what God will give us, how He'll give it, or when, so we want to cling to the ashes. We'd rather hold brokenness than risk being emptied out by God. Yet it is in the emptying and the subsequent filling - however long it takes to happen - that we are healed.

It reminded me of the image of a person holding a single deflated balloon by a string, being offered a bunch of large, brightly colored balloons. In order to accept the bunch, first the person must let go of the deflated balloon. Until that hand is empty, it cannot grasp the new gift - the beautiful. We are not guaranteed what God will give or when He will give it or how long we'll remain emptied out. But we ARE guaranteed that he will give beauty for ashes and He will be with us every step of the way.

Tanya recently read Disappointment with God, by Philip Yancey. She is coming to terms with the fact that God is not unfair - life is unfair. Even though listening to His voice is what seemed to take them through intense pain, what alternative is there, really? She is seeing some positive changes God is making in her life, which is very encouraging. She is not afraid to ask the "why" questions of God - sometimes in the asking we are able to grow nearer to God. As another gal pointed out, there is a difference between asking with a humble and open heart, and asking angrily, expecting a certain answer.

Psalm 139:16 says that all of our days are written by God in our life book. So we do actually have a book! He alone knows the exact title and the arrangement of the chapters. But as the author, He also knows the way the story ends. He knows how He will bring justice, how He will renew our strength, and just how long each chapter should be.

Lamentations 3:20-24
²⁰ I well remember them,
   and my soul is downcast within me.
²¹ Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope:
²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”

The Message version says it like this:
^19-21I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
   the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
   the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
^22-24God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got left.

Tanya shared with us the words to Laura Story's song "Blessings"

YouTube - Laura Story "Blessings"

Laura Story - "Blessings" Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
But long that we'd have the faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Another gal, whose precious son died less than two hours after he was born, has learned so much about God in the year since her son's death. She encouraged us to just soak in the now. Take what God gives and love it. Don't try to fix the pain or run from it. Embrace it - for it is in the very midst of great suffering that you will learn life-changing truths about God and about yourself. Fighting your way through the journey of grief may get you at least temporarily to the other side, but you will miss out on the richness of relationship that God is offering along the way.

So - what chapter are you on? Let us encourage you to keep walking one day at a time. God knows the end to your story, and it is amazing. He also knows the trials contained within the book - and He promises to walk with us every step of the way.

February 2011 - Vision

2011-03-14T00:35:00.001-05:00

I was reading a blog and came across this quote (I really wish I had written down the blog address...if I find it again I'll update this!) - "We can let our obstacles or our vision determine our future."

I don't know about you, but I have this stubborn and independent streak in me that bristles at the idea of not having options. To think that an obstacle, ie something I would rather not have in the first place, will determine my future, well, it makes my face scrunch up just thinking about it. So I started thinking about my obstacles (easy to do) and my vision (what?) and realized I needed to delve into this a bit more.

Biblical examples always help. Moses heard God's voice tell him his future, but doubted that future because of his relationship with the king of Egypt and the Israelites, because of his speaking ability, etc. What God called him to do - the vision God had for his life - did not make sense or seem possible because of obstacles. I imagine Moses saying "Uh, God? Did you forget that the king is mad at me, my people despise me, and I fumble over my words? I think you have me confused with someone else." How often do we feel that way? Feel that God is calling us to something that is just not possible given our circumstances? Feel that He is just asking too much, too soon?

Losses have a way of sucking every ounce of vision from our lives. Suddenly the world is turned upside down and what was formerly important, besides what was lost, is now unimportant. The idea that there's enough right with the world, and with our lives, to have a vision that would carry us forward almost seems insulting. And yet that's exactly what God gives us. He knows best, even (and perhaps especially) when we think He is wrong. Our losses were not a surprise to Him. He knew how it would all fit into His master plan, His vision for our lives. That's not saying He is glad babies died, or that He wanted it this way. Remember His original plan - it did not include death.

It is important, especially in times when we cannot see clearly, to ask God for His vision for our lives. Sometimes, though, our grief, as well as the world around us, is so loud that we cannot discern that vision. In those times we must start with the Bible and search for direction. It may be a generic vision at first, but it will at least get us heading on the right path so that in time we will be able to discern His specific vision for us. Find what God is doing and join Him - His vision does not change! Our part in that vision can change, and it will likely be different than the part those around us will have.

Write down 5-10 obstacles in your life right now. Things that are disappointing, crushing, not how you'd like them to be, not how they should be. For most of us, that list pretty much writes itself!

Now look at that list and try to convince yourself that God has a vision for your life EVEN WITH those obstacles on the table. Perhaps because of those obstacles - He has crafted something just for you that will not waste one ounce of the pain that has come from those obstacles.

Now think about your vision, or God's vision for your life. Write down 5-10 ideas, words, phrases, etc that describe what you think your vision includes. For me this list included words like joyful, loving, content, fulfilled, serving, life-giving, and making a difference for God. No, that doesn't tell me what specific action plan to flesh out when I wake up tomorrow - or does it? Until I have a more specific vision, I can certainly choose to live out, with increasing success, those key words and ideas. As I am more content and serving, I will be at least walking in the right direction.

Which will you choose to focus on this week/month/year? Your obstacles or your vision? The one you focus on is the one that will gain power and momentum. Will you trust God to have answers for your obstacles as He works out His vision? Or will you be stalemated, stuck forever in the desert?

Perhaps you feel like right now you are sitting in the middle of the desert - I do that sometimes. I just get overwhelmed and sit down, preferring to stay in this yuck rather than keep fighting to find the right path. The problem is that nothing will be get better by sitting down. The Israelites ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years!! The idea of wandering in my own desert that long (or even 40 days) is not happy. But God was with them the entire time. He had their exact path mapped out, and He didn't waste that time. If they had chosen to just sit down, their journey would only have been prolonged. Only by walking, one step at a time, one day at a time, can you get any closer to getting out of the desert. Your circumstances, your obstacles, they may feel like the desert, but you can at least make yourself get up and start moving. Better to wander forty years than sit until you die in a place you never wanted to be.

Here's that quote again: "We can let obstacles or vision determine our direction." Which will you choose?

New Beginnings

2011-01-21T03:12:00.000-06:00

It is January, and people all around are making resolutions. Ok, so it's halfway through January, so people all around are breaking their resolutions...!

While I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, I do think it can be powerful to see each year as a new beginning, and take some time to think about what we hope and plan for the new year to bring.

For our January gathering, we reflected a bit on 2010 by writing down three good things that happened, big or small. With most everyone having experienced a major loss in 2010, looking for good things proved to be a challenge. But we acknowledged that the good things were woven throughout the year whether or not we recognized them.

Next we wrote down three dreams/hopes/goals for 2011. Just a little looking ahead and imagining things to be different from how they now appear. Sometimes we can feel stuck in a perpetual circle, not making any forward progress. And that can be discouraging.

We took a brief journey into the lives of several Biblical characters. It is important to remember that these were actual people who lived long ago - not fictional characters. We began with Jonah. His life calling was to present people with God's messages. I imagine he was waiting for his next assignment, hoping to be sent to give good news to some wonderful town, when God told him to go to Ninevah and call the people to repent. To Jonah, this was an awful assignment. The last thing he wanted to see was the people of Ninevah being given another chance. This new beginning felt like a slap in the face. Jonah, angry, went in the opposite direction and boarded a ship for Tarshish. Of course he could not hide from God any easier than we can today...God sent a fierce storm that threatened to break apart the boat and cause the sailors to drown. Only by throwing Jonah overboard did the seas calm down. God sent the huge fish to swallow Jonah, preserving his life, giving him a chance to repent and get his heart right. After being spit back onto land (and hopefully taking a nice long shower), Jonah began the journey to Ninevah. While his feet were obeying, his heart was still resentful of the assignment. He missed out on some of the blessings he could have received.

Jonah is an example of the wrong way to react to a new beginning that we do not desire or welcome. Running from the next thing God has planned or allowed will not change our new reality. It will only prolong what must take place, and may very well result in negative consequences along the way. Let's not make a hard situation worse by refusing to submit to what God is calling us to do.

Next we looked at the life of Ruth. After her father in law, husband, and brother in law all died, Ruth made the hard choice to travel with Naomi (mother in law) to Naomi's native country. Ruth left all she knew to accompany another grieving woman (who had lost husband and two sons). That was probably not an enjoyable trip. Once they arrived, Ruth had to find discarded/leftover grain from fields so she and Naomi would have food to eat each day. Perhaps she only collected this food for a few weeks before meeting Boaz, the man she would later marry, but Ruth did not know at the time that the season of collecting grain would be short. Yet rather than despair or dwell on the obvious hardships in her life, she made the most of her new beginning and "did the next thing" that needed to be done. Her story ends well, with a new husband and children, provision, and many other blessings. None of us can see what is ahead, just around the next curve of the road we travel. But we do know that God is with us every step of the way.

Remember the kid song "12 men went to spy on Canaan, 10 were bad and 2 were good"? The 2 "good" spies, Joshua and Caleb, saw the same super-sized men who inhabited the land of Canaan as did the 10 "bad" spies, but rather than be overwhelmed by the idea of overcoming those giants, they chose to focus on the abundance of God's provision in Canaan. God rewarded their faithfulness and trust. While they had to wander in the wilderness for 40 years with the rest of the unbelieving Israelites, they were allowed to enter into and enjoy the promised land with the next generation. When God reveals to us a destination or calling, we must be single-minded as we place one foot after the other in the direction He has marked out. We need to put on blinders like those that horses wear to keep them from being distracted or scared by things to the right and the left. God's callings and destinations do not come without trials. We should anticipate them and choose to trust God through them. Let's not miss out on His abundance by being scared of the journey.

Joseph - you know, the one who had that coat of many colors? Favored by his father and hated by his brothers, he was sold into slavery. Not a great new beginning. He kept a good attitude, trusted God, served well, and was thrown into jail as a result of a woman who lied. Not a great new beginning there either. But even in jail, Joseph was faithful. He was eventually released. Through another series of events, he was promoted to a high status in Egypt through which he essentially saved the people from starving during a famine. Among those he saved were the very brothers who sold him into slavery years ago. Joseph forgave them and they had a wonderful new beginning as a reunited family. He is a great example of persevering through very difficult circumstances and trusting God regardless of what life threw his way.

Finally, we talked about the woman in the New Testament who had the unstoppable bleeding. Doctors couldn't heal her. When she learned that Jesus was coming her way, she pressed through the thick crowds of people so she could touch the hem of His robe - certain that even a tiny touch would bring healing. She was in desperate need of a new beginning, and she knew exactly where to go. Straight to Jesus. May we all do the same. He can bring a new beginning through a changed situation, changed relationships, or "simply" through a changed attitude and renewed faith and trust that God can do all things and that God loves us very much.

Some new beginnings are truly a leap of faith. Hold tightly to what you know to be true, regardless of what your feelings tell you.

We finished the evening by talking about the fruit of the Spirit. We shared which of the 9 fruit of the Spirit we felt our losses highlighted we needed to increase, as well as which of the 9 we wanted to specifically focus on in 2011. Love...joy...peace...patience...kindness...goodness...faithfulness...gentleness...self control. They are all part of one fruit - that's why it's called the fruit of the Spirit and not the fruits. Working on one will have a domino effect and result in improvements on all nine. Amy brought up the important point that on our own we are helpless to become more loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, etc. Only through God working in our hearts, changing us, shaping and molding us, can those traits increase. It is God's will that we become more full of each trait, so we know that by trusting Him and walking with Him we will see improvements in these areas. She also reminded us that God can give us the "want to" even when we don't feel strong enough (or obedient enough) to desire change. (Philippians 2:13, Living Bible)

What will you focus on in 2011? Which trait do you feel would make the most positive difference in your life? Are you ready and willing to let God guide you into your new beginning? The end of all God stories is wonderful...and well worth the trials we experience along the way.

October 2010 - How can I worship?

2010-10-22T11:53:00.001-05:00

Definition of worship: to be devoted to and full of admiration for; reverent honor paid to any object regarded as sacred.

What is worship

Not just singing

The way we live our lives

Thoughts, words, actions, time alone, how we take care of our bodies

What do your words, actions, thoughts, etc show that you are worshipping? Is it God? It’s easy for me to begin to worship, at least in part, my own dreams and desires, or another person I seek to please. God is the only one worthy of worship though!

Recount some of the things He has done – miracles, provision, past and present, promises of the future (Biblical examples and personal examples)

Sometimes we do what we don’t want to do because it is right. Drive the speed limit, don’t say to another what you feel like saying, fix a meal for your family, clean the house, get out of bed, etc. But it is right, so we do it. The same is true of worship. It is right, so we should do it. The rewards for choosing to worship when we don’t want to far outweigh the rewards of all those other things. And they far outweigh what we think we’ll gain by not choosing to worship.

Why don’t we feel like worshipping God after a loss or during grief?

Do we blame Him? Do we feel abandoned or betrayed? Do we need somewhere to place our anger or despair? Do we feel we had a right to whatever we have lost? Are these feelings rooted in truth or lies? The only way to combat lies is to soak them in the truth. The truths of God don’t change with our circumstances. Even when – and perhaps especially when – things don’t make sense, the truths of God remain. We don’t have to understand them for them to be true. Do any of us truly understand how the internet works? Yet we use it often without question. Do we truly understand how all matter is made up of tiny molecules, some forming gases, others forming liquids, and others forming solids? Yet we breathe air, drink water, and sit on a chair – trusting it to hold us up. So why do we buy into the faulty thinking that we have to understand God before we worship Him? Why do we think we need to make sense of what He has done, given, taken, or allowed before we worship Him? He is, after all, God. Without Him there is nothing. Certainly no good thing. And even in the midst of excruciating loss there are still abundant blessings all around us deserving of His worship.

That’s one angle. Here’s another angle. In times of grief, what else is there to do BESIDES worship God? Has anyone ever come up with a true solution besides worshipping Him? Without Him there is no peace, no joy, no fulfillment. Other fixes may be great in the short run, but in the long run each and every one will fail. Worshipping God is the opposite. Sometimes it feels effective immediately, but most of the time it requires time and repetition before it reaches the deep places of our hearts most in need of His healing touch.

We must worship because He IS. We must worship because He commands. We must worship because we have nothing else we can do.

Something in us is healed when we worship. And that should not surprise us; doing things God’s way always brings blessing and wholeness. There is a power in worship, perhaps even more so when that worship feels sacrificial.

Part of our battle plan in grief must be worship. Singing is one of the easiest (though sometimes hardest) ways to do this. While stages of grief are normal, natural, even God-given, getting stuck in a stage may indicate that there is a spiritual battle going on inside your heart. The enemy would love to steal even more from you than he already has. Worship, specifically praise, is your best weapon against his attacks.

Is it a lie to sing when you don’t feel like it? No, because what you sing in worship is the truth. There is a book about marriage called Love is a Decision – we are not to love our spouses only when we feel like it. We are to love them all the time. We are not to worship God only when we feel like it; we are to worship Him all the time. Just as loving your spouse in the tough times is the main thing that will restore your relationship, worshipping God in the tough times is what will restore your relationship with Him.

The Psalms are full of songs to God that begin with anger or despair. It is ok - even right - to express those feelings to God. But at some point the psalms turn to the truth of God's promises. The lament turns to praise. Some people expect that Christians will always exude joy, even in tough times. While it is true that we have the joy of the Lord in our hearts, that does not mean that on the surface we must always have a happy face and be ok with our situations. Perhaps today you are in the first half of a psalm, in the middle of a heart-wrenching lament. Hang on. With each step you take toward God, with each minute-by-minute decision to trust Him, you are getting closer to the praise part of your psalm.

Sometimes singing a praise/worship song feels like a lie because you don't feel like He is good or that you have even one ounce of faith in your heart. But go ahead and sing - make the song be a prayer. Ask God to make the song true in your life. If we wait until we feel like doing the right thing, we may never get around to doing the right thing. God promises that His Word will not return void. Each time we sing praises or say verses from the Bible it is like an arrow that shoots out toward the lies that are entangling us. We don't have to fully believe those truths in order to shoot the arrow. If we keep feeding our minds with the lies, allowing the despair to set up camp and crown itself king, of course we will feel stuck in grief. But if we choose to instead feed our minds with God's truths, in time those truths will set up camp and the true King will reign in our hearts.

This is not a prescription to eradicate grief or the hard times that come with loss. This is a way of life. But it also happens to be the only true way to get through those super tough days.

Here are a few songs to get you started. Remember, you can make them your prayer if they are not yet true for your heart.

You Have Made Me Glad – Hillsong

I will bless the Lord forever
And I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all sin
And he has set my feet upon a rock
And I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord....
You are my shield
My strength
My portion
Deliverer
My shelter
Strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in Heaven but you?
There's none I desire beside you
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord....
CHORUS:
You are my shield
My strength
My portion
Deliverer
My shelter
Strong tower
My very present help in time of need
REPEAT CHORUS
You have me glad
And I'll say of the Lord....
REPEAT CHORUS x 2
My very present help in time of need

Made to Worship – Chris Tomlin

Before the day, Before the light
Before the world revolved around the sun
God on high
Stepped down into time
And wrote the story of His love for everyone
He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
All we are
And all we have
Is all a gift from God that we receive
Brought to life
We open up our eyes
To see the majesty and glory of the King
He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be
And even the rocks cry out
And even the Heavens shout
At the sound of His holy name
So let every voice sing out
And let every knee bow down
He is worthy of all our praise
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free, yeah
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see, you and I will see
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free, yeah
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

None But Jesus lyrics
Songwriters: Fraser, Brooke;

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won?t refuse
Each new day again I?ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You?re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

So when You call I won?t delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You, Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You, Lord, forevermore

For who you are

Standing here In your presence
Thinging of the good things you have done~
Waiting here, Patiently Just to hear the still small voice again
Holy righteous Faithful til the end
Saviour healer Redeemer and friend
I will worship you for who you are
I will worship you for who you are
I will worship you for who you are
Jesus
My soul secure
Your promise sure
Your love endures
Always

Let Everything that has Breath

CHORUS:
Let everything that, everything that,
Everything that has breath praise the Lord.
Let everything that, everything that,
Everything that has breath praise the Lord.
VERSE 1:
Praise You in the morning,
Praise You in the evening,
Praise You when I'm young and when I'm old.
Praise You when I'm laughing,
Praise You when I'm grieving,
Praise You every season of the soul.
If we could see how much You're worth,
Your power, Your might, Your endless love,
Then surely we would never cease to praise.
VERSE 2:
Praise You in the heavens, joining with the angels,
Praising You forever and a day.
Praise You on the earth now, joining with creation,
Calling all the nations to Your praise.
If they could see how much You're worth,
Your power, your might, your endless love,
Then surely they would never cease to praise.

Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

Refrain:
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to trust His cleansing blood;
And in simple faith to plunge me
’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just from sin and self to cease;
Just from Jesus simply taking
Life and rest, and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

It is Well

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed be Your name
in the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
blessed be Your name

and blessed be Your name
when I'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness
blessed be Your name

every blesssing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
an when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be Your glorious name

and blessed be your name
when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's "all as it should be"
blessed be your name

and blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name

every blesssing you pour out i'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say:
blessed be the name of the Lord
blessed be your name
bleseed be the name of the Lord
blessed be your glorious name

you give and take away
you give and take away
my heart wil chose to say:
blessed be your name (blessed be your name lord)

Corn mazes of life

2010-10-22T11:33:00.000-05:00

We had the opportunity to visit this corn maze. Before we went, I printed out this picture of the maze and spent some time looking at it. I wanted to figure out how to get through it...without calling the "help" number listed on the info sheet. As I thought about the maze, it was as if God spoke to me and said there were some important spiritual parallels between this maze and our lives.

With a corn maze, there is a most direct route through. But is that the best route? What would we miss by having speed or efficiency be our goal? How much richer would our lives be if we made the journey the goal rather than the end? As Christians, we know the end. God can guide us through the maze, let us sit in one spot for an extended season, or decide to take us out of the maze from the middle. Let's decide to look for God and His blessings in each moment of the day instead of striving toward the next thing.

Are we trying to get through our grief as quickly as possible? What if the comfort we long for comes in the very season we are trying to rush through? Sometimes trying to get through quickly actually wastes time because we didn't experience what God had for us - we end up taking longer to get through because we have to go in circles several times before we relent and learn. Don't be like Jonah and incur other negative consequences because you are avoiding your Ninevah.

September 2010

2010-10-22T11:16:00.000-05:00

Fall – a season that brings the end of a hot summer. Cool breezes, crops harvested. Yet it is also the beginning of the end for many plants. Fall is when leaves begin to turn colors – beautiful, vibrant colors. But after the colors fade, the leaves fall to the ground. From the perspective of the leaf, this is a tragedy. Life is over. But we are able to see from a larger perspective. We can see that because the leaves fall and the tree rests during the winter, storing up nutrients, new leaves will be ready to bud and burst forth in the spring. Yes, fall leads to winter – often cold, dark, dreary. But fall also leads to spring.

Whatever season you are in right now, it is leading to a spring. Realistically, every season also leads to fall – it’s a circle that goes on and on and on. We can see the glass half full and see how everything is leading toward spring and new life, or we can see the glass as half empty and dread the coming falls and winters of our lives. God is here with us in each season, desiring to teach us more about Him, drawing us closer to Him, showering more and more blessings upon us. But we must look up, to the sky, rather than down to the ground where the leaves will find their final resting places.

This fall, as you see leaves changing colors, remember God’s promises to you.

Leviticus 26:3-5 (New International Version)

³ " 'If you follow my decrees and are careful to obey my commands, ⁴ I will send you rain in its season, and the ground will yield its crops and the trees of the field their fruit. ⁵ Your threshing will continue until grape harvest and the grape harvest will continue until planting, and you will eat all the food you want and live in safety in your land.

Deuteronomy 11:13-15 (New International Version)

¹³ So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the LORD your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul- ¹⁴ then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil. ¹⁵ I will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied.

Galatians 6:9 (New International Version)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Season in the Bible: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Immortalized in song and poetry, this passage teaches that there's a time and place for everything. On the one hand it's a sobering reminder that nothing lasts forever; but it's also encouraging to know that difficult times will eventually but inevitably be followed by times of peace. God is in control of it all.

¹ There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

² a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

August - Pamper Yourself!

2010-08-26T17:21:00.006-05:00

Don't skip over this blog post. I know, I know, who has time for pampering? And especially in the midst of grief, who even cares about pampering yourself? Isn't getting out of bed a good enough goal? Maybe a shower, possibly a homecooked meal? Yes and no. Yes, there is most definitely a time of being in survival mode, and that is ok. But there is also a time when the path to really living again includes doing a few things for yourself, simply because they are enjoyable.

We started the August gathering by writing down some of the things that are our favorites - restaurant, drink, candy bar, movie, author, music, vacation type, flower, color, season, etc. Then I posed a question to the ladies: what would happen if the church building was hit by a storm and badly damaged? (I admitted to them that this was random, but that it'd come together in time...they were gracious and went along!) They listed several steps: hold a meeting, rebuild, call insurance, pray, figure out exactly what needs to be done, freak out, share news on facebook, do some fundraising, clean up.

These things seemed pretty obvious, but what do we do when a storm hits our lives? Do we meet with others who care about us and/or who have been impacted by the storm? Do we even want to clean up and rebuild? Do we call the insurance agent? (God is the insurance agent - He restores all things and gives us what is needed as we rebuild.)

Losses that come from miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility affect us in all areas - physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Regardless of our natural inclination, we must push through and take care of ourselves. This is not a guilt trip - not just one more thing on our "should" list! First let's figure out why God wants us to take care of ourselves.

Romans 12:1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The world's pattern is to find something and take it to an extreme. You like an occasional alcoholic beverage? Drink as much and as often as you want. You like food? Eat whatever and whenever you please. You like to be alone? Never venture out to be with others. You like to shop? Buy everything you like. The world is not exactly about moderation or balance. But God calls us to not conform to the world's pattern. He knows it is destructive. He calls us to renew our minds. Yes, crazy thoughts come during times of grief, and that's ok. But we cannot allow ourselves to dwell on those thoughts. Renewing our minds does not only mean to toss out thoughts that aren't pleasing and perfect and honorable - renewing means to replace those "bad" thoughts with good thoughts. True thoughts. Thoughts that bring us closer to God and closer to healing. This isn't pretending the hurt is not there; this is choosing how reality will look in your life, what the ramifications of what has happened will be.

1 Corinthians 6:19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

As Christians, God, through the Holy Spirit, lives in our bodies. For those who lived in Bible times, the idea of taking care of God's temple was a super big deal. There were strict rules about His temple. They understood the awesomeness and magnificence surrounding His presence. Sometimes we take for granted that He now lives in us. We forget that others are supposed to see God when they see us. We sometimes think that we are actually doing a good thing to work so hard that we don't get enough sleep, or to avoid fun things because there's always something "more important" to do instead. However, it is only when we take care of ourselves that our bodies can honor God, and point others to Him, in the way that He intended.

The next random question I posed to the gals: how would you want people to remember you when you die? What would you want your loved ones to do? They mentioned things like finding ways to honor their memory, new traditions to start, mourning but in time finding life again, laughing, moving on. Moving on didn't mean forgetting or dishonoring; while we all hope that our lives meant something to others and that we'd be missed, nobody wanted to think that those they love would forever grieve and miss out on the abundant life.

So now we know how we'd want others to respond to our own death...but is that how we are responding to the deaths of our babies? Or are we closing up shop, merely existing, afraid to venture out and try new things, afraid to laugh or smile? Are we believing the lie that anything good or enjoyable somehow dishonors the precious lives we wish were still here? Perhaps by trudging through the darkness and one day seeing light and brilliant color once again - perhaps by not giving up and by seeking out ways to care for ourselves we will actually bring honor and even more meaning to those for whom we mourn.

We ended with a list of ideas of ways to take care of ourselves. And a challenge was issued - strive to do at least most of these things in the coming month. See how it can make a positive difference, how it can bring an important fresh perspective to everything going on.

Ways I can take care of myself:
Get enough rest
Dare to hope
Dream
Remember past blessings
Give thanks for small things
Enjoy a favorite food or drink
Get a manicure or pedicure
Get a massage
Spend reflective time alone
Spend time with a good friend
Laugh
Take a break from being strong
Take slow deep breaths
Listen to music
Sing as loudly as you can
Do something artsy or creative
Learn something new
Read a book just because it sounds good
Exercise
Take a long bath
Visit somewhere new
Bless someone in a similar situation

What will you do today? This week? This month? Add to the list. Work on these things with another person. Dare to walk the road ahead of you - even if it includes beautiful fragrant flowers.

July gathering

2010-08-15T01:59:00.000-05:00

How many kids do you have?
Don't you guys want to have kids?
Want to have another baby?
When are you due?

You're young, you can have another baby
Heaven needed another angel
There must've been something wrong with the baby

***

People can say some pretty insensitive things. Most of the time people mean well; unfortunately knowing they mean well doesn't take away the initial sting from their comments. So what do we do as Christians, seeking to be more Christ-like every day, when we hear these things?

Let's start with some verses.

Philippians 4:4-5 "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

Even when it doesn't feel like it,God is near. He sees us, hears us, knows what we're feeling. And yet He calls us to be gentle. As hard as that may seem, when harsh replies are on the tips of our tongues, where He calls He also provides. He does not ask us to do that which we cannot, with His help, accomplish.

Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

As much as an individual can seem like the enemy with their insensitive remarks or actions, the hurts we feel are sent straight from our real enemy, God's enemy. It is that enemy who seeks to destroy our sense of peace and contentment, to steal our joy and trust and hope. We cannot succumb to the temptation to believe his lies and doubt all we know to be true.

1 Corinthians 3:16 "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?"

This is perhaps the best news of the Bible, apart from the message of the Gospel. God's Spirit lives in each of us! We are not alone, we are not overlooked, we are not helpless, we do not have to do things in our own strength. Because His Spirit lives in us, we are able to respond in a gentle and full-of-grace manner.

Galatians 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

I don't know about you, but when I am hurt or offended, the last things I want to exhibit are these fruits. I want to say what I am thinking, act in anger or defensiveness, withdraw in hurt, or slip into a serious funk. But, with that awesome Spirit inside of us, we can instead manifest HIS fruits. And how much better life is when we choose His fruits over our own.

Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

Perhaps we feel that another person's tongue is delivering death to our lives. While it may defy human logic, we will never help a situation by returning death via our own tongues. In every moment, in every reply, in every word, we have the power to deliver life to another person. This may mean overlooking what they have said or done. It may mean lovingly correcting them or educating them. It may mean showering blessings upon them. I want to eat life-giving fruit, not gross moldy fruit. What is my tongue planting today? I will reap what I sow more than others will reap what I sow. Yes, they'll be impacted, but not to the degree I will be impacted.

Ephesians 4:29-30 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Oh, this verse again. I can't get away from it for long!! (And for that I am thankful, don't get me wrong.) Sometimes what is true is still wrong to say. Does it meet the criteria of these verses? Is it going to build up the other person? Will it meet their needs? (Not my needs of venting or being understood, but their needs.) Is it rooted in bitterness, rage, slander, or malice? Is it kind and compassionate and reflecting my forgiveness of another's wrongs? If what I want to say fails even one of these tests, I am not to say it. Some days that means it will be mighty quiet around here....

Proverbs 31:26 "She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue."

Can this be said of me? In good times only? Or also in the midst of trials, grief, offense? Are my words faithful to my Maker? Or do they reveal that there is more ugly in my heart than Godliness? It is hard to think of others in the midst of our grief. It may seem that all we can do is struggle to make it through each day, much less consider how what we're about to say will affect another. However, there are not any disclaimers to God's Word. What is true today is true tomorrow and was true yesterday. He does not tell us that in certain circumstances we can disregard what He has commanded. That HAS to mean He is right there by our side, ready to equip us and speak for and through us. He will, through the Spirit, answer in a loving manner.

We talked about how the relationship we have with a person often determines how we will receive what they will say. If we already trust their motives and their heart, we will likely hear their words through a loving filter. If we have a difficult relationship with them, or barely any relationship with them, we are more likely to interpret their words as offensive. Realizing this can help us see more clearly and figure out an appropriate response.

Finally, sometimes we need to examine our hearts. What is causing us to react in anger? What are we believing that is not true? Do we believe we are alone, forgotten, wronged, punished - and what the other person just did or said seems to prove our belief to be true? It can be challenging, but try to empower the other person through your response. Empower them to support you in your situation, and/or empower them to be more understanding and sensitive with others in the future. This may require taking some time to collect your thoughts (hours, days, weeks, months, etc.) until you are sure your response is God-honoring.

People will continue to say and do hurtful things. There is no avoiding it. And, honestly, I know that I from time to time say hurtful things to others - perhaps without having any idea the negative impact I had upon another person. The good news is that God's power within us is more than great enough to reply in a way that brings Him glory, and moves us one step closer to healing.

June gathering

2010-08-15T01:32:00.001-05:00

May gathering

2010-08-15T01:16:00.000-05:00

We tell people that you do not have to be fully healed or "moved on" (whatever that means) before you can share what God has taught and is teaching. Nor do you have to be done grieving before you can bless another person. (Good thing, since we're never really done grieving!) In May, Cathy Bonnesen was proof of both those statements. A dear friend, she agreed to share with us her journey.

Her topic: girdling roots. A master gardener, Cathy has extensive knowledge about all things green. She had been working on their landscaping and noticed that one tree was not doing so well. Upon closer inspection, it became clear that the tree was suffering from girdling roots. Basically that means that the roots grow around themselves, around the base of the tree, instead of going out in all directions. The problem is that over time the roots will strangle the tree, as they won't allow the tree to continue growing.

Cathy shared some of her story, which includes infertility and miscarriage. She read Psalm 103:1-2

"Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name. ² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits"

She and her son Noah, whom she homeschools, had studied the elephant. Most of us were probably taught that an elephant never forgets. The above verses challenged Cathy to remember what God has done, to never forget the "benefits" He has placed in her life. The dictionary defines "benefits" as an act of kindness, something that provides well-being. Strongs Concordance defines it this way: to treat a person well, to bestow upon, deal bountifully, do good, reward, ripen.

Psalm 103 goes on to say:

"³ who forgives all your sins

       and heals all your diseases,
⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,
⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."

What are some ways we can "forget not" what God has done for us, especially in the midst of tragedy, grief, or trials? Cathy suggested finding meaningful scriptures in the Bible and putting them in prominent places in our homes. Take notes over a teaching message and look over it periodically. Make a list of things for which you are thankful and review it regularly. Journal good things that happen.

Psalm 77:12 says " I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds."

Meditate means to "murmur in pleasure or anger, to ponder, imagine, study" (Strongs)

At times we can over-meditate, or meditate over the wrong things. It's easy to meditate over what ISN'T happening, over the losses we have had, what someone else's life looks like, etc. It can be unhealthy for us.

Here's where the concept of girdling roots comes in. Cathy showed us some pictures of girdling roots, and explained that just as girdling roots on a tree eventually choke out the life of the tree, when we forget all of God's benefits we go round and round, and healthy growth cannot happen in our lives. Eventually we are at risk of emotionally and spiritually strangling ourselves. When we just keep circling over the same subject over and over again (infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, etc), it becomes impossible to focus on the bigger picture. Don't misunderstand - the Lord does direct us to focus on these areas for a season so we can work through what we need to in whatever timing is for each of us. But there comes a point when we need to look beyond what we see right in front of us. Sometimes we can't see it for ourselves - others can, and God may speak through them to try to get through to us.

Cathy shared the idea of a Victories List - she and her husband created a list of things that were good that happened in their lives. Many of them were relatively small, daily things that are so easy to overlook and very easy to forget. She shared how helpful it was to look over the list and remember what God had done, remember the small and big ways He showed Himself to them. It helped them to take heart and press on through trials.

April gathering - A Time to Fall

2010-05-06T03:15:00.000-05:00

Amy blessed us this month with some of the lessons God has been teaching her lately. She began by reading from Ecclesiastes 3 - the "time" chapter. There is a time for everything. She challenged us to think about there being a time to fall. Falling is not the same as failing, even though most of us view them as one and the same. We too often strive to push through and be strong. People tell us to persevere, take heart, press on, keep going. While there is certainly a time for that, there is also a time to accept that God is inviting us to fall - right into His arms. We run out of ourselves, our strength, our will and determination, and fall into His waiting arms.

Amy always hated trust falls in group building activities. She has found it hard at times to honestly sing "I Surrender All," knowing that in her heart part of her is not surrendered completely. In a war setting, a soldier who has been captured by the enemy knows to surrender in order to save his life. Yet he is immediately planning his escape. This is not true surrender (nor should it be in this example!). Similarly, when Amy played kick the can with neighborhood kids while growing up, when she was captured she would be surveying her surroundings and planning exactly where she'd run next once a member of her team kicked the can, releasing the prisoners. Again, not true surrender. True surrender is like falling.

She read the children's book Billy's Attic Adventure to us. Basically, Billy climbs the ladder into the attic and starts to fall. His dad, on the ground below, tells Billy to let go and fall. It takes awhile for Billy to trust and just let go, but once he does, he lands safely in the arms of his dad.

Amy's mom passed away a year and a half ago after a 6 month battle with cancer. Six months after her death, her dad remarried. Two months after the wedding, Amy found out she was pregnant. With her long history of infertility and tubal pregnancies, conceiving had been about the last thing on their minds for quite some time. While she was more than overjoyed (and in shock!), she wanted to tell her mom the news...but she couldn't. She cried at all of her prenatal appointments, longing to share the news with her mom. The first two weeks after her daughter was born, she found herself in a spiritual battle, feeling trapped. She had a miracle baby, yet was almost in despair. She felt as though she was falling. Her heart was prepared for hardship and could not receive the blessing; she had not truly surrendered the loss of her mom, and she felt she was losing her heart to her baby. She did not feel she could possibly bear another loss - what if something were to happen to the baby? The easy answer would be to harden her heart, not allowing it to fully love or be loved. But in God's grace, that wasn't working.

Deuteronomy 33:27 "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms."

In what areas of our lives are we captured, think we have surrendered, but are afraid to fall? God sees you and promises to catch you. What might falling look like in your life?

Psalm 139:5 "You hem me in behind and before - you have laid your hand upon me." It is okay to unravel - God promises to sew you back together. You don't have to hold it all together. There is a time to fall.

There is a balance we must find between pressing on and letting go to fall. They are actually compatible actions. It's about our hearts, about trusting God instead of the decisions we make. The decisions aren't His goal as much as the condition of our hearts. If our hearts are honestly seeking Him but we make a "wrong" decision, He will still bless us for our motives and bring good out of our decision. Sometimes we have to make decisions to move to the next step, but that doesn't limit what God will do next. He can and often will override our decisions in order to fulfill His will and purposes in our lives. For example, if a couple decides to stop fertility treatments or stop pursuing adoption, that does not mean that God will change His plan for their lives if it included a child. We have to decide, and trust Him with the details and the results.

When I think about falling, I think of someone skydiving. If you jump out of a plane and have full confidence in your parachute, you are likely to fall gracefully, perhaps even relaxing or playing around with your movements. The fall will be enjoyable, exhilarating, peaceful even. Contrast that with a person who is terrified about what will happen next - they will likely flail about the whole way down. As Christians we can rest assured that when we are in a season that involves falling into God's arms we will be safe. We can relax and even find ourselves enjoying the fall. We know what waits for us at the end of the fall. We can actually find good things about the journey instead of being filled with dread, despair, and fear.

Are you in a season of falling? Trust the arms waiting to catch you.

March gathering

2010-05-06T02:45:00.000-05:00

We were thrilled to have three special guests share with us in March. Janet, Lynn, and Leslie founded Stepping Stones many years ago - a ministry that has since been picked up and expanded by Bethany House. They have a wealth of experience and wisdom, and we just soaked it up!! Janet began by sharing that suffering is never in vain if we turn around and encourage those behind us. That doesn't mean we are done with our journey, just that we look behind and help who we can see. Deuteronomy 8 talks about the importance of looking back and remembering what God has done for us - especially in times we are grieving or have lost hope. Janet's journey of infertility (7 surgeries) and failed adoptions (11) lasted 4.5 years - years she looks back upon and feels were at least in part wasted because she was angry and bitter about her circumstances. She was seeking the gift instead of the Giver. She went through a wilderness and eventually hungered for God more than she hungered for a child. She believes that God, in His mercy, caused her to hunger. After all, He is the only thing that will truly satisfy.

Janet shared with us an excerpt from Catherine Marshall's Adventures in Prayer. Here is a portion of the chapter on relinquishment:

Prayer of Relinquishment

I Relinquish This To You:

“Father, for such a long time I have pleaded before You this, the deep desire of my

heart: __________________________________________. Yet the more I've clamored

for Your help with this, the more remote You have seemed.

I confess my demanding spirit in this matter. I've tried suggesting to You ways

my prayer could be answered. To my shame, I've even bargained with You. Yet I know

that trying to manipulate the Lord of the Universe is utter foolishness. No wonder my

spirit is so sore and weary!

I want to trust You, Father. My spirit knows that these verities are forever

trustworthy even when I feel nothing...That you are there. (You said, “Lo, I am with you

always.” Matthew 28:20) That you love me. (You said, “I have loved you with an

everlasting love.” Jeremiah 31:3) That You alone know what is best for me. (For in

You, Lord, “are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” Colossians 2:3)

Perhaps all along, You have been waiting for me to give up self-effort. At last I

want You in my life even more than I want _________________________________.

So now, by an act of my will, I relinquish this to You. I will accept Your will, whatever

that may be. Thank You for counting this act of my will as the decision of the real

person even when my emotions protest. I ask You to hold me true to this decision. To

You, Lord God, who alone are worthy of worship, I bend the knee with thanksgiving

that this too will “work together for good.” Amen

Date:_________________________________

She shared that we will never win a battle against God. Matthew 6:33 says to seek first His kingdom, meaning His ways and His plans...and all will be added to you. That "all" is His all, not our all. But again, His is better. His is best. We must focus on the blessings He has given, not the ones He has not given. In all things, He is faithful to carry us through.

Leslie shared some of the history of Stepping Stones. Woven throughout the ministry was a focus on looking for the hand of God in the little things. Each of the three ladies can tell their stories - and each story is God filled. This is our goal, to get to a place where we see our stories as God filled. It certainly requires having a God perspective.

Leslie, Lynn, and Janet began talking years ago as an informal Christian support network. They asked Focus on the Family for resources on infertility and miscarriage, but were given the suggestion to start their own ministry, as there was very little available at the time. In time the ministry took off. They began to receive a multitude of letters from around the country and eventually around the world, from Christians dealing with similar issues. They created a newsletter that was sent out containing articles they either found or wrote, dealing with infertility and miscarriage from a Christian perspective. In time, readers began sending articles about their own stories about healing, growing, and walking the journey with God. They saw how readers began supporting one another. They ended up on Dr. Dobson's radio show, which took the ministry to a whole new level. They learned firsthand that in God's season/time/way He will meet our needs and desires. Leslie said "looking back, I wouldn't want to do it all over again, but it was good."

Lynn remembers the year that on Mother's Day the pastor acknowledged infertility and infant loss for the first time. She finally felt like a normal segment of the church population, not an awkward outsider. She shared with us that God gives grace as the need comes along - look back at His provision rather than wondering what trial is coming next. We can't get stuck in the past, wishing to have changed something, nor should we be paralyzed by the potential difficulties of the future. Rather, remember the blessings of the past, live now to the fullest, and look to the future with hope and anticipation.

For Lynn, she had to hold on to four pillars of faith.

1. God loves me unconditionally. I can't increase or decrease His love.

2. Because I'm in Christ, God sees me as totally clean. This circumstance is not a punishment.

3. God can do everything - just look at the virgin Mary and 90 yr old Sarah.

4. If God says no to this, He must have something better, and that is exciting.

Lynn chose to live with great anticipation and turn her circumstances and hopes over to God. Three years later she conceived, and lost the baby. Through that loss she learned that God cannot be reduced to a formula. Giving our hopes to God does not guarantee He will turn around and give us the original desires of our hearts. In time they had a daughter. Three years after that, she conceived again and had a high risk pregnancy. After many complications, she had a c-section. Her baby, Sarah, had a very poor prognosis, and died at 3 months of age. When they left the hospital, and later at the funeral, they saw how their testimony had affected others. For this they can be thankful and can now view that part of their life story as good - good because of what God did through it.

Janet was still in the middle of her most difficult season when Leslie became pregnant. She remembers not going to Leslie's baby shower because she had to set a boundary that she wouldn't go places where she would leave questioning God's love for her. This was a personal boundary, reflecting her walk with the Lord, not her friendship with Leslie. Too often, as Christians, we expect ourselves to handle everything perfectly, including going places we know will trip us up, saying that we "should" be able to handle it. Sometimes not going is the best option as God continues to work on our hearts.

Janet shared that God never works the way we think He will. She brought out the verses from Isaiah 28 that teach us that God does not thresh all grain the same way. Some is crushed and broken and used for finer things. God knows how much pressure to put on the grain (us) in order to produce what He wants to produce in us. We can trust His hand.

February gathering

2010-05-06T02:16:00.000-05:00

Our special guest in February shared her story of infertility, failed adoptions, a successful but difficult adoption process, and the ongoing journey of trusting God through life's trials. Here are some of the ideas/concepts she gave us to ponder.

- Men just deal with infertility and disappointment differently than women. There's no getting around this. They may go back to work, looking as though they don't care about a loss or dashed hope, but this is part of how God made them. They compartmentalize. In vitro is difficult for husbands as well as (obviously) for the wives, largely due to the hormonal changes that occur in the wife's body and the man's inability to fix the situation.

- God is in the process of character building.
   - Jeremiah 17:7-8 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
       whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water
       that sends out its roots by the stream.
       It does not fear when heat comes;
       its leaves are always green.
       It has no worries in a year of drought
       and never fails to bear fruit."   - 1 Peter 5:7-11 "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."   - Philippians 4:11-12 "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

- She encouraged us to make good use of our present circumstances, reminding us that sometimes our plans are put on hold and we have to choose to grow in our present circumstances. The Biblical character Hannah, from 1 Samuel, was referenced as an example.

What are your present circumstances? Are you letting your life be on hold while you cling to the hope of what you long for? Or are you living to the fullest with whatever God has chosen and/or allowed into your life? Do you trust Him fully - do you trust that His plan for your life is better than your own plan? It is certainly a choice we make with our heads first, praying that our hearts will catch up and truly believe that His way is the best way.

Perspective

2010-03-08T01:55:00.002-06:00

We had some wonderful sharing at a recent Glory Babies gathering. We don’t expect people to share their experiences, but it is always welcome! One person shared about the recent stillbirth of their daughter, another shared about years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, another shared about repeat miscarriages. Afterwards I heard several comments that made me think about perspective. For example, one person mentioned that while their pain and grief was certainly real and legitimate, it seemed to pale in comparison to what another had experienced. It struck me that each of us naturally think our own journey is uniquely painful – and it is, but not at the exclusion of others having painful journeys as well. It is easy to believe that what another person experiences is more or less tragic than what we have experienced, but I’m not sure we can actually compare these things. Each person’s life, no matter how blessed or easy it may seem, contains at least a few areas of pain, disappointment, or loss. To one struggling to conceive or grieving the loss of a baby, hearing about a mother’s frustrations with her children can be maddening; someone grieving the loss of a spouse can become appalled at the disrespectful attitude another shows toward their living spouse. Yet we all have hard things in our lives. It does not do anyone any good to compare or attempt to measure pain. And what would we really accomplish if we were to somehow determine we have the corner on the pain market? How much better to instead turn to God, trust in His infinite wisdom, timing, provision, and love, pray for those around us who are also struggling, and focus on learning absolutely everything possible through the journey on which we find ourselves. One key of getting “unstuck” in the midst of grief is to look up, begin to accept our reality, and actively seek out the blessings that may currently be hidden. God’s love is constant, even in the midst of life’s turmoil. And ultimately, what more do we need?

Things aren't always what they seem...or what we expect

2010-01-28T13:19:00.000-06:00

We were blessed beyond measure to have special guest Pam share with us this month. While her words were well thought out and put together logically, my notes seem to go many different directions. But I'll do my best to piece together the nuggets she shared:

Our first human response is to take charge and be in control. We need to give ourselves permission to let others help us. We wear many hats as women. Story of when Pam and her family were rear-ended by a drunk driver at a stop sign. Jaws of life were required to pull her out, and extensive therapy was required for her to regain movement. It was a humbling, while horrible experience, yet it was great to learn how to receive help. We should not try to manage emotions on our own, or difficult circumstances. While feelings, and the process of healing, vary from person to person, they remain very similar. We do not have to have identical circumstances with another person before we can walk with them, grieve with them, encourage them, and help them. Nor do they have to have identical experiences to ours before we can receive those same things from them.

So how do we get through hard times? Ecclesiastes 3:1 begins the section on there being a time for everything. We have many seasons of life, and they are rarely bounded by the roughly 3-month time frame as are our Kansas weather seasons. When Pam's mom passed away, that season in Pam's life was over and complete - even though Pam felt it had come too soon. It was at the perfect time from God's eternal perspective.

The more we need God, the more we depend on Him...the more we depend on Him, the more we love Him. Many Christians express wanting to love God more, or wanting to "be" more of the kind of person that is compelled by His love. Yet few people are signing up for needing God more. It is a package deal. God doesn't need my help, just my cooperation. The more we try to help, the more anxious we become. John the Baptist, in John 3:30, said that he needed to decrease so God could increase.

Pam brought with her a picture frame with three pictures inside. The first one was very clear, and you could see for miles. The second was more hazy, and the third almost looked like a picture that had not developed correctly, as it was so dark. She told us that the three pictures were of the exact same location, just taken at different times. Nothing had changed with what was out there from that particular vantage point, just how much the viewer could perceive. There were the same exact things in the third picture as in the first, you just couldn't see them - but that didn't change the fact that they were indeed there. The reality of God does not change, just what we can see of His plan changes in various seasons. He is who He is all the time. What we see, think, feel, or even believe, has no bearing whatsoever on who He is or what He is doing. We cannot define Him by circumstances or visibility.

Linda Dillow, the author of Creative Counterpart and Calm My Anxious Heart, had what Pam called a tea cup theology. To illustrate this concept, Pam brought two coffee cups. One was plain white, nothing fancy. The other was highly decorated and a more fun shape. Each of us has a "cup" given to us by God. One person's cup may look more fulfilled, more blessed, more beautiful or desirable, but we don't have any idea what is actually inside that cup. It may be filthy, filled with despair, or cracked on the inside. It is easy to look at the outside of the cups God has given those around us, and make assumptions as to how much God has chosen to favor those people. But we really have no idea. It is not for us to know or for us to judge. When we focus on God, rather than what our eyes can see, particularly what we see of others, it will be much easier to learn contentment with the exact cup and portion God has chosen to give us.

When Pam's younger daughter had her last miscarriage, it was hard for Pam to see other grandmas at church or out and about holding their new grandbabies. It brought pain. All who have lost babies understand this kind of pain. It seems through the Bible that there are many stories of women desperately desiring to have a child, and it is easy to assume that having a child meant the woman was blessed by God. However, their blessings, as are our blessings, were brought by knowing God and having an intimate relationship with Him.

To experience true peace and joy we have to learn contentment in this exact moment. We need to not put ourselves so much in center stage that we can't see God's power. He is weaving an integrating our paths, but we will miss it if we are so focused on ourselves. Few (if any) people have lives that play out as they'd expected. We are all in need of refining. Walk by faith, not by sight. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Fighting against what God has for us puts us at odds with Him and with ourselves. Surrendering to the Lord does not mean giving up all our hopes and dreams, but rather seeking how to walk in His way for us. It may include fulfillment of those hopes and dreams, or it may not. We won't know until we surrender and walk. As Jesus said on the cross, not my will but Yours be done. We desire to be a fragrant aroma to Christ and others, but we can't do that when we're fighting with Him.

It is not about what we've done wrong or how we are being punished, or how others are blessed - all of those ideas indicate that we're in control...and we're not!! Pam ended her time with us by reading a poem:

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty,like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame.. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes,creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

Each of must come to the place where we acknowledge and accept that "my life is what it is." If God was all you had, would it be enough? Your situation has purpose. But it takes courage and trusting in God to wade through the hard times to discover that purpose...and the blessings awaiting you as you grow closer to your Maker.

Is JOY optional this Christmas?

2009-12-18T01:50:00.000-06:00

This month's theme is JOY. Joy is central to Christmas, yet can be one of the first things to disappear from our lives when difficult times come. We're going to talk about how to give ourselves permission to have joy without fear of negating the losses we've experienced, and how to put on joy even when we don't feel joy.

1 Chronicles 16:27 Joy is in His dwelling place. We are called to be in His place. If we are in a joyless place, we can be sure we're not dwelling with God.

Joy and happiness are not synonyms. They cannot accurately be used interchangeably. True joy can only be experienced by Christians, as joy is a fruit of the Spirit and a gift from God. Happiness is determined by the happenings in our lives, and can change at a moment's notice. We can be unhappy, disappointed, etc, yet still have joy from God.

Galatians 5:22 Joy is a fruit of th Spirit. Just as we were given love, peace, patience...self control, we were given joy at the time of accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior. We are promised to have joy. But as with the other eight characteristics, we must choose to daily put on that joy, choose to exercise it. For example, we've been given self control, but often choose to eat one more cookie, say the mean thing on the tip of our tongue, etc. Self control must be exercised. Joy also must be exercised. It is a decision whether or not to practice having joy. It's ok that it doesn't feel natural! That's why it is a fruit of the SPIRIT and not a fruit of the flesh.

Ezra 6:22 The Lord filled the people with joy. It reminds me of an example I used at a Bible study years ago. Picture a huge bowl of popcorn, pretzels, nuts, raisins, m&ms, granola, butterscotch chips, etc. If you were handed the bowl, you'd likely pick out your favorite pieces and eat them. But if you were required to finish off the bowl, you'd probably not enjoy the last several handfuls. Imagine that God has a similar bowl containing everything He has chosen and ordained for your life. Each day He carefully and thoughtfully scoops one serving from your bowl and gives it to you. If you could choose what would go in that scoop each day you'd avoid the hard situations, the losses, the disappointment. But then the latter part of your life would be completely miserable and void of any good things! We must trust that God gives us exactly the right mix each day. One thing we can be certain is in our scoop each day is joy. He fills us with joy each day. Is your life reflecting that joy? Is it simmering in your heart, permeating every area of your life?

Nehemiah 12:43 God gave the people great joy. He gave it. It is not a natural human response to have joy. It only comes from God. The desires of our heart won't bring us joy. It's normal to think that having a baby or another baby, or _____ will bring joy - and there would undoubtedly be joy within those experiences. But true joy only comes from God - not from circumstances.

Esther 9:20-22 Mordecai encouraged the people to not forget what God had done (delivered them from Haman's evil plan), when their "sorrow was turned into joy and their mourning into a day of celebration." Joy and pain go hand in hand. They are two sides of the same coin. Without pain, we won't recognize the joy that comes. And when joy comes we only appreciate it by also remembering the pain. The are inseparable. God will flip the coin for you and show you the joy...but the pain side will always be right there. That's not a depressing thought! It goes along with October's theme of remembering.

Psalm 66 We are told to shout with joy, sing with praise. Sometimes we become so short-sighted and can't see all God has done that is worthy of praise - and really, everything He has done is worthy of praise! We must choose to shout for joy in spite of, and in the middle of our pain. Some of the losses you've experienced are very big. They're life changing. But in light of your entire life, in light of this century, in light of all time since Adam and Eve, and in light of eternity, right now is really short.

Psalm 71:20-24 Hard times have come, but God will bring blessings. We must hang on to these promises and trust that He has a good future for us. This psalmist is trusting God even before seeing the provision or the deliverance. Even before he feels like praising, trusting, or living with joy.

Psalm 126 Those who sow in tears will reap joy. Another promise to hang on to! There are layers of joy. First is the joy given us at salvation by the Holy Spirit. Second is the joy God fills us with each day. Third is the joy given to us in times of sorrow.

Proverbs 15:30 A cheerful look brings joy to the face. Good news brings health to the bones. Are we seeking good news or dwelling on bad news? Are we giving cheerful looks and good news to others? Even if the good news is small and seems insignificant - share it! This too is a habit worth developing. Focusing on the good things in life increase physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

John 15:9-11 "...so that your joy may be complete." When we remain in Christ, it is His joy in us that we experience. He makes our joy complete - wouldn't you love to have complete joy? Our job is to obey His commands and to remain in Him. This is a daily task.

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." The commentary in my Bible said that "the certainty of the Christian's hope is a cause for joy." We are certain of our eternal destination. That alone brings hope, and joy. If God did nothing for us besides save us from eternity apart from Him, we would have more than enough reason to have joy. Yet we've been abundantly blessed. This doesn't negate the losses you've experienced. But it's important to hang onto a Godly perspective.

Romans 15:13 My job is to hope and trust. God's job is to bring the joy.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. For this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." You want to know God's will? Do these three things. Sure, we'd like it to be more clear, more descriptive of our actual life happenings. But this is what God chooses to tell us.

Hebrews 12:1-3 Jesus...for the joy before Him...endured the Cross. This really stood out to me. Jesus found joy even in the terrible suffering of the cross because of joy - the joy of bringing eternal life to all of us. His eternal perspective was so firmly intact that He chose to endure the pain. His joy did not take away the pain, but made it worthwhile. Surely if Jesus could do that for us, we can choose to have joy in the midst of our trials.

Christmas is often a time that many find it hard to express joy, especially when also suffering a loss. It can be very difficult to rejoice with those who are sharing good things happening in their lives when you feel the good things have passed right over you. But others are called to find joy just as we are, so we must not rain on their parade. Yes, they are called to mourn with those who mourn. But we're all called to joy. And there is joy present in each situation for the Christian. It is promised. We can choose to practice it and reap its benefits.

Merry Christmas! Each one of you are a cherished treasure. While we would rather have met under different circumstances, we are so thankful and full of joy that you are in our lives!

November gathering - Give Thanks in Everything?

2009-12-18T00:51:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is just around the corner...a time of mixed emotions for many people. We're commanded to give thanks in all circumstances. Was He serious when He said that? Surely He didn't overlook some of the enormously difficult situations some of you have faced or are facing, right? Yet hidden within each of God's commands are precious blessings and promises, and a way to obey we might not realize at first glance. Don't worry, I'm not going to tell you to gush with thanksgiving over a loss. That's not what it means. :)

Jesus ‘did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,’ and chose always to make Himself ‘nothing,’ to be perfectly obedient and submissive to His Father, even unto death – death on the Cross (Phil 2:6-8).

*have I chosen utter dependence upon God? If I depend on Him for everything, being thankful is all but automatic

In John 5, when Jesus healed the man at Bethesda, He required the man to pick up him mat and walk. The man had to take responsibility and take action or he never would have realized the healing that had taken place.

*until we reach the end of ourselves, we cannot fully realize His promise to sustain us, to provide for us, to meet all of our needs, or to be strength when we are weak. As long as we continue striving to take care of these things ourselves, we’ll be in the way and cannot see God work.

*Philiippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

*That’s a promise – He WILL meet ALL your needs. Will you believe this even when your circumstances seem to indicate otherwise?

*We don’t get to choose our trials, only our responses.

When God calls you to a seemingly impossible task, your job is to give Him what you have. He’ll do the rest. (Example of feeding the 5000 from 5 loaves and 2 fish). We’re called to be thankful in everything. That seems impossible, right? But because God called us to do it, with Him it IS possible.

Do we ask for strength to be thankful? Or strength to have our dreams fulfilled? If we can separate from our deepest desires for a moment, we’ll realize that if our dreams are fulfilled but we are not growing spiritually, we will not find the true fulfillment we seek. The things in our lives are only rich and awesome and full of joy when they accompany God’s presence. His presence is the common factor in peace-filled lives. Fulfillment of our dreams does not guarantee peace or joy or even happiness.

1 Thessalonian 5:18 says “Give thanks in all circimstances…” It does not say to give thanks for the circumstances. We are not expected to give thanks for the loss of a much wanted baby. If God commands us to find something worthy of being thankful for in the midst of that loss, He will enable us.

Psalm 107:1
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.

*It is a command to give thanks. Why? Because He is good.

Psalm 107:15
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

*Here's another reason: His love is unfailing. You won't find better than that anywhere.

Mark 8:7
They had a few small fish as well; he gave thanks for them also and told the disciples to distribute them.

*Jesus gave us this example to follow. He gave thanks for the little He had, and trusted God with the result. He didn't grumble or insist that the disciples find more food. He just gave thanks for what He had and went from there. If we're not thankful for little, what makes us think we'll be thankful for much?

Ephesians 5:19-21

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

*ALWAYS giving thanks. If you look hard enough, or look outside of your own situation, you will find plenty of reasons to give thanks. This is a command, and you can be certain that God's blessings follow obedience in this command as with all others.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

*Command: do not be anxious. About ANYTHING! What to do when you're anxious - pray, give thanks, ask God. Amy shared her "formula" for applying this verse. Have you prayed? Have you really talked to God about this? Have you given thanksgiving? For what things? And have you specifically asked God to intervene?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

*This is not an easy verse to flesh out. But whenever God calls, He equips. He has called us to obey, to be joyful, to pray, to give thanks. So we are guaranteed that He will help us do these things. It's not a natural human response. It's supernatural.

When we look at the Psalms we see that the psalmists were honest. They are dramatic and transparent in their laments. But inevitably, the vast majority of the psalms turn a corner. When we cry out to God, He hears us then reminds us of what is worthy of praise. (Note: the circumstances do not change in the psalms. The person writing the psalm changes.) If we were to write a psalm of our current struggles, what would the second half of your psalm read like? Go ahead and try it! Write down or cry out your first half. List everything that is hard, disappointing, crushing, wrong, unfair and unjust. Then...take a deep breath and choose to remember God's promises, His faithfulness, His past provision, and the blessings you can count on that are coming. The first half of your psalm is still there, but now it is in perspective of the truth of the second half.

In these holidays when you are pressured to put on a ‘happy face’ it is best to be honest with God and ask Him to strengthen you with the truth of the Bible. There is much to be thankful for – while being transparent in our pain.

October gathering notes

2009-12-18T00:22:00.000-06:00

In October our theme was on remembering. Many parents mention being afraid that their babies will be forgotten as time goes on. Sometimes they almost make themselves stay in grief to honor their babies. Yet we have been promised abundant life, so it has to be possible to remember and move on at the same time.

"Remember" is used 233 times in the Bible (NIV). Remembering is obviously very important to God!

Genesis 9:15-16 God will remember His covenant not to flood the entire earth. His sign - the rainbow. God made a covenant with Noah, and later with Moses. The covenant with Moses was broken by the people repeatedly, yet God did not forget His part. He remembered and stayed true to His word.

Exodus 17:8-16 The Amalekites were defeated by Joshua. Joshua was told to write it down so he would not forget. Isn't it easy to forget how God delivered us in the past when a new difficulty comes up in our lives? Write it down, tell you friends, figure out a way to remember. Seeing a pattern of His provision and deliverance will help next time you wonder if He's able to take care of a situation.

Leviticus 26:40-45 God WILL remember His covenant with Jacob, Isaac, Abraham, etc. Again, the people forget, disobey, etc., but God does not, will not, and cannot change. He will keep His covenant. He remembers.

Deuteronomy 5:15 We are told to remember the Sabbath - a day set apart. We are to remember how God delivered His people from Egypt. Reread that story...if it was not in the Bible I'd doubt if it was even true! God's ways are so far above our ways. If He can deliver slaves from a powerful king, surely He can deliver us from our situations of despair.

Esther 9:26-28 The people were told to celebrate two days every year, to remember how God, through Esther, saved the Jews from destruction.

Psalm 77 Affliction...pain...but I will (choose to) remember God's miracles, mighty deeds, etc. In the midst of hard times we are called to remember His goodness. After all, He doesn't change, so we can count on His goodness to reign right now...even if we can't see past the pain yet.

Psalm 105:5 "Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgments He has pronounced."

Psalm 111:4-5 He causes us to remember His goodness; He remembers His covenant forever. If you're struggling to remember His goodness, ask Him - He'll help you remember.

Ezekiel 16:22-61 Even when we forget, and don't honor our promises to God, even then He will remember His promises to us.

Gospels Jesus often says to remember - remember miracles, promises, provision, etc.

Remembering God's goodness, provision, mercy, and deliverance is a great weapon against Satan's attacks. Find blessings in the midst of pain - it doesn't make you glad for the loss, just helps you gain a Godly perspective, and ultimately gives God the glory instead of the enemy.

October gathering/National Day

2009-10-02T22:10:00.000-05:00

Our October gathering will be Tuesday, October 13, from 7-8:30 in the Parlor. October 15th is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We'll use the theme of remembrance for the gathering on the 13th. God has a lot to say about remembering, and I think it will bring comfort to know He does not forget - nor does He expect us to. He also does not forget His promises to us, our dreams, or our prayers, even when it seems as though they are far from His mind. Come hear how remembering, and trusting that God remembers, can impact your life in a very positive way.

CELEBRATION GATHERING COMING UP!!

2009-08-11T20:25:00.005-05:00

I tried to make this larger, but my blogger skills have obviously reached their end...sorry!

How "Why Me?" Becomes..."Why Not?"

2009-08-11T18:14:00.010-05:00

Our featured speaker for the July gathering was Pam Ramsey. A long-time family friend, mentor, Bible study teacher, and Christian role model to many, Pam's prayerful preparations always result in wisdom imparted to her listeners. For this blog post I will summarize her main points, as well as expound upon some of them.

She shared a quote from Catherine Martin's book Walking with the God Who Cares: "But somewhere along the way in darkness you must reach the heart of eternal perspective, God’s view, and connect with him in the depth of your pain so you can stay the course with your Lord. Nothing like the power of God in adversity. The promises of the Word of God will help you stay your course with your Lord. The canvas must remain on the easel and allow the Master artist to paint His masterpiece to display in His gallery for His glory.”

This concept of God being the artist, and each of us being a canvas really resonated with those of us in attendance. We claim to believe that God knows best, yet we try to take the paintbrush from His hands and dip it in a different color of paint, or use it to make different strokes. It is difficult to believe that a loving God would allow or even choose difficult things to enter our lives, but we must remember that we are only able to look at things from our human perspective, with our human logic. To us, 2 + 3 = 5. Always. And d comes after a, b, then c. But God even TELLS us that His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). Perhaps in God's economy, 2 + 3 = 8, and d comes after x, j, and then w. We do not have to understand. In fact we are told to "lean not on your own understanding" (Prov 3:5-6). We are to live the script, not write it. Display His glory on the canvas of our lives, not be an easel-bound artist.

Pam shared that when her first daughter was born, with many medical difficulties, it was tempting to ask "why me?" Yet by God's grace she instead chose to accept, and not demand that He answer her countless prayers with her answers. She learned, or perhaps practiced her skill, to trust God regardless of the circumstances. Rather than ask "why me?" she asked "what, Lord?" What do You have for me to learn in this trying time? Of course this attitude, this decision, this perspective did not take away the pain or disappointment, but it did allow Pam to continue moving forward in anticipation of the good things God was doing all around her.

Fast forward many years...Pam's older daughter miscarried as the younger daughter delivered a healthy baby. Why, God? A year later her younger daughter miscarried. Why, God? Through walking with her daughters through their losses, she realized she had not fully processed through her own tubal pregnancy years before, between the births of her daughters. A very painful season in life, no doubt, but one in which Pam and her daughters chose to lean on Jesus, trusting His plan for each of their lives. The more we trust God, the less we ask "Why me?"

God, please give us faith to deal with our circumstances. We give You permission to continue working in our lives, to paint the masterpiece of YOUR choosing.

Pam also made the point that sometimes we keep asking questions of God because we are not being still enough to listen to His answers. We get caught in the busy trap, either in action or in thought, and are not choosing to shut out all noise besides His voice. We do not allow our grief to draw us near to Him. We turn to other people and other activities instead, yet (of course) never find the comfort for which we long. We think that by staying busy we will heal, or at least deny to the point of forgetting our pain. Yet it is only through time with God - quiet, chosen, peaceful time with God - that He can heal our hearts, minds, and emotions.

Many times in grief situations, especially with miscarriage, people try to encourage us by suggesting that it is time we move on. Often their motivation is for their own comfort rather than for our best interests. However, Pam very lovingly shared with us that there is a time for moving on. A God-ordained time for moving on. That does not mean that the healing process ends, that babies are forgotten, or that the pain was unfounded to begin with. It simply recognizes that for everything there is a season. We want the season of grief to end, really, we do. Yet sometimes we seem unwilling to allow the new season of joy to begin. Back to the artist/canvas illustration - perhaps a darker color was required for a section of the background, but then it is time for lighter colors to be painted over and around the darker colors in order for the intended masterpiece to be completed. The lighter colors are only as rich as they are because of the darker colors behind them. Each season of life, each stroke of the painter's brush, is purposeful, leads to good things, and can be trusted because of WHO the painter is. If God chooses to use the canvas of your life to paint a picture that is different than the picture you would have chosen, will you continually wriggle around and argue with Him? Or will you rest on the easel, grateful to be used in ANY way by the Master, for His glory? The choice is yours, and the choice is mine.

Why me? Why not? I know who is holding the brush.

Expectations, part 2

2009-05-22T00:45:00.007-05:00

A special thank you to the ladies who joined us tonight :)

(This is a recap of our discussion...so it's a tad lengthy.)

Think about something that you expected - today, this week, maybe several months ago, maybe even something you expected when you graduated from high school. How did you picture your life would be at this stage? I have yet to meet anyone whose life looks exactly as they expected years ago. And most people can name at least one thing that they are glad did not turn out as they had expected! Many times we can see, from the vantage point of today, how what we once hoped for was not the best for us after all. Yet other times we remain sorely disappointed.

Expectations usually refer to things we want to have happen – things we’re looking forward to. It talks about a degree of probability – the chance that a certain outcome will occur. We look to friends and family, or others at church and work, to determine what should happen to us, what is likely to happen, what we can reasonably expect.

But God is not bound by human statistics. Just because we should be able to or not be able to do or have something doesn’t mean it will or won’t happen. Sometimes things just don’t make sense to us. But we can’t expect them to always make sense to us. God never pretends that we will understand His ways. In fact, He tells us that His ways are higher than our ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9

⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I find it freeing to realize and accept that my ways and thoughts do not and will not match up with God's ways and thoughts. Yes, sometimes it is frustrating, wondering why God would set life up in such a way that we cannot understand things. But in a sense it takes the pressure off of me, giving me permission to carry on with my life even though I do not understand why certain things did or did not happen.

I have been working through a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild entitled Me, Myself, and Lies. I think I need an IV of the study continually pumping into my brain (not a perfect word picture, but you get the main idea!). The basic concept, at least so far, is that we each have a thought closet. Just as our clothes go into a closet and from that selection we clothe ourselves each day, we have a closet of sorts in our minds and hearts from which we mentally, emotionally, and spiritually clothe ourselves each day. If something is not in the closet, we cannot select it. And if one type of thing is taking up a lot of the available space, we're more likely to reach for it than a type that is scarce.

So if we choose to allow in and dwell on negative thoughts, or lies about ourselves, God, or situations, we are choosing to fill our thought closet with draining and harmful thoughts. When trials come throughout each day, and we reach into that closet, we're likely to pull out negative and destructive thoughts that we proceed to say to ourselves. And thus the downward spiral of negativity begins.

Each time something happens that we do not like - each time we are facing unmet expectations, we have two choices. We can either focus on the disappointment and enter the pattern of "this happened, and therefore I am ______ and God is ________ and there is no hope." Or we can focus on the unchangeable facts about God. At the bottom of the previous post I referenced Beth Moore's five point statement of faith (except I butchered it a little bit). Here it is:

1. God is who He says He is.

2. God can do what He says He can do.

3. I am who God says I am.

4. I can do all things through Christ.

5. God's Word is alive and active in me.

God cannot change. That is one of His glorious "limitations." He will always love us, always protect us and provide for us, always give us security, always treasure us. He will always have good plans for us, and will always care about even the smallest details of our lives - not to mention the huge issues.

Psalm 5:3 says: "In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

To me this is saying that God's job is to hear my voice, while my job is to lay my requests before him...and then wait in expectation. He already knows what we hoped for and how disappointed we are. He already knows we are sad or angry. We're not telling him anything new. But until we give back to him our thoughts and feelings, we cannot be ready for Him to fill us with His peace. Being disappointed when expectations are not met does not indicate that our faith is weak. Since faith is Biblically defined as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1), it stands to reason that faith happens only in the context of hoping and expecting. If we are so in control of our circumstances that we do not have to hope, because we have somehow guaranteed our success, there is no need for faith. Faith and expectations go hand in hand. The challenge is in figuring out how to expect without worrying, how to anticipate good things without being crushed if they do not come to pass.

How do we do that? By building a strong foundation upon God's truths. Just as in the story of the wise and foolish builders (Matthew 7:24-27), when we have a rock solid foundation, we can better withstand whatever storm may come our way. We may get wet, and we may even feel somewhat battered by the storm. But we'll still be standing when it passes (or maybe on our knees).

A friend of mine, Cathy, called tonight as I was on the way to the Glory Babies gathering. She wanted to share a story that related to expectations. I will relay it here as best as I can, but know that some of the details may be a bit off! You'll get the main points :)

Cathy and her son were watching a mother robin build a nest outside their home. For days on end she made trips back and forth, preparing this nest for eggs. Finally she finished, laid the eggs, and then sat on them. Robins are supposed to lay on their eggs for 14 days, always keeping the eggs warm and dry, until it is time for the baby birds to hatch. So for 14 days Cathy and her son watched and waited, with much anticipation. Toward the end of that 14 days it began to storm. It rained and rained, and rained some more, but that mother robin just hunkered down and continued to lay on her eggs, seeming to have little concern for the pummeling she was receiving. Finally the storms subsided. It was time for the eggs to hatch, so Cathy and her son kept watching and waiting. But nothing happened. Day 14 came and went, as did day 15 and day 16. The mother robin would leave the nest, get some food, and return, only to stare into the nest perplexed. It became apparent that the eggs were not ever going to hatch. Eventually the mother robin flew away.

Cathy and her son were disappointed - they had fully expected to watch baby birds peck through those shells. And the mother robin must have been disappointed too! She had done everything right, but still her eggs did not hatch. The storms that came were simply too much. God knew before she ever began to build her nest that the eggs would not hatch. Why did He not redirect her? Or why did He let the storm rage on for so long?

Isn't life like that sometimes? We think we know what is coming, we plan and prepare, we give it our best shot. But in the end we do not experience what we had hoped to experience. Through no fault of our own, our expectations are met with disappointment. Does that mean we were foolish to expect in the first place? No. Does that mean we misunderstood God when we felt He was calling us to make those plans and take those action steps? Not necessarily. Sometimes there are no explanations. It simply is what it is.

The enemy of our souls wants to get us into that destructive spiral. He wants us to tell ourselves that we messed up. We're not worthy of the blessing we sought. We don't deserve it. God is punishing us. God just doesn't care about us or our situation. We need to get over it and stop making a big deal out of nothing.

At the same time, though, God desires to walk with us through the debris of our unmet expectations, and show us pieces of blessings along the path, leading us to His best for our lives. Who will you choose to follow? Whose hand will you allow to guide you?

A good friend of mine shared with me several years ago that when I was desiring to change certain behaviors or reactions, with little success, that perhaps I needed another method. She explained that A + B = C. "A" is the circumstance, and "C" is our reaction or behavior. We see the Cs in life and try to change them. But what little success we may have is often short lived, as we slip back into old habits. Or perhaps we decide that if the As would only change, the Cs would go away as well. Again, though, we miss the point. We cannot control our circumstances or the people in our lives. Difficult "A" situations will happen. Period. The key is to recognize what "B" stands for. "B" represents our beliefs and our thoughts. For example, another friend mentioned that her recent request for a certain week of vacation was denied. She was very frustrated, and had to fight against having a terrible day as a result of the news. Her "C" was frustration and a bad rest of the day. Her "A" was the fact of her request being denied. She can't change the "A", and trying to change the "C" is like trying to push a car when the emergency brake is on and it's in park. However, she can choose what "B" statements take up residence in her mind and heart. Will she choose to believe that life is just so unfair, she never gets the blessings, nobody else has been denied their choice of week off - just dwelling on the injustice of it all? Or will she choose to believe that God knows what He's doing, He loves her, He alone has the right to speak into her life, and that He has a plan far above the best she can imagine? That choice will determine the "B" part of her equation, and the "B" will determine the "C" - does that make sense?

To sum it up, we can rarely change our circumstances, and it is very difficult to simply change our behaviors. But we can become aware of our beliefs and thoughts, carefully choosing what we will dwell upon. Choose what fills your thought closet. Life will rain on us. We must choose, like that robin, to hunker down and wait out the storm. And then we must choose to trust God regardless of the outcome.

I often don't understand why those torrential rains come. But I can decide to lay my requests at God's feet, wait with expectation, and exercise my faith muscles. Expectations are not bad. We cannot live on perpetual mountaintops. In fact, perpetual mountaintops are nothing more than a long road at a high elevation! Mountaintops imply valleys. We don't need to fear or dread the valleys, or waste our time on the mountains in the name of preparing for the valleys. Some of our expectations will be met. Others will not be met. Who God is, what He can do, who you are, and what you can do, all remain constant regardless of your experiences. Keep expecting. Keep requesting. Keep choosing truth. Stand on the Rock.

Expectations, part 1

2009-05-17T23:53:00.002-05:00

Expectations - we all have them. We expect things of ourselves, things of others, and things of God. We have ideas about how life will play out, including at just what times or stages certain things will happen.

And then they don't happen.

And then they still don't happen.

And then they still don't happen...still.

Or maybe the exact opposite happens, which can seem worse.

It can feel like someone, or Someone (God), has forgotten about us, or is even upset with us. Or perhaps we weren't destined for these good things that comprise our dreams. Or this is our thorn in the side, something to teach us to lean into God.

Yet in the midst of these unfulfilled expectations, the truths of God remain unchanged. Because, like God Himself, His truths cannot change. They hold true even when they seem to go against our reality. After all, perception is reality, so if we perceive things to be one way, regardless of how they really are, that's what we think is true. But God's ways are the best ways...period.

Holding on to His truths is possible. And it really is the only way to go. Stay tuned for some practical ways to do just that. In the meantime, stand firm. Choose to believe God is who He says He is, that you are who He says you are, and that He can do what He says He can do. (Last sentence is a partial paraphrase of someone I can't think of right now...sorry about that.)

Can you relate to this?

2009-04-09T13:48:00.002-05:00

I recently posted a note on my facebook page called "The Next Baby." I received many responses, mostly from women who completely understood and who were glad to see their feelings in print. I'm sharing it here for you in hopes that you will feel validated and encouraged that you are not alone. I welcome any and all comments. The first portion is the version of the note that should be printed in our church newsletter next month. Following that is the original version. We are in this together; the more people we can help to understand the pain associated with miscarriage and stillbirth, with infertility and secondary infertility, the better able we as the body of Christ can help each other.

The Next Baby (shortened version for church newsletter; full version follows)

We all have a natural curiosity about what is coming next in the lives of others. We ask about choice of college and major, timing of marriage and children…the list goes on and on. Perhaps you've been asked these questions and never thought twice about it. But for some people these questions serve as painful reminders of what is not part of their reality.

The underlying assumption behind these questions is that the next stage is better, more promising and fulfilling. That’s just not true. The struggle many of us have with contentment is not made easier in the face of constant reminders that we are not where we supposedly should be.

Most people do not advertise whether they are hoping to conceive, yet we assume that not being pregnant indicates not wanting a baby. Likewise, most people do not make large announcements when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage or stillbirth. They have started their family, but only God has met their children.

Questions about college, degree, job, marriage, kids, more kids, etc., do serve a purpose with people you know on a pretty superficial basis - when "hey, how are you?" isn't enough. While many times the couple you are asking has not experienced infertility or lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth, the emotional pain from well-intended remarks is not worth the risk. Clearly you are interested in the lives of these people. Clearly you care about them and are simply curious as to when they’ll add to their family. However, there are other ways to express that interest and care.

We need to guard against living through other people, and against trying to have their lives fit into the molds we believe to be right for everyone. And above all, we need to be sensitive to the fact that in many cases there is more to the story than we know.

So, isn't it about time [enter name of couple] had a baby? Instead of asking, think of other things you’d like to know about the couple. What are they looking forward to in the next season? What do they think about something in the news? Or even share something more about yourself – transparency leads to more transparency. Just a friendly request for you to see this topic from a new perspective. For more information, contact Glory Babies at glorybabies@hotmail.com or visit our blog: www.glorybabies.blogspot.com.

The Next Baby (original version)

Every week countless couples field an array of well meaning questions about when they're going to have a baby. Most are said in an almost joking manner, with a playful punch on the arm, or a wink and a smile.

"Isn't it about time you had another baby?"
"Come on guys, get with it!"
"You don't want them too far apart, do you?"
"You're not getting any younger!"

This article is not written out of anger, or even out of frustration, although that is sometimes the case with this issue. The goal is to cause you to consider the questions you ask people, and to begin taking away the dread that many feel when coming to church – a dread caused by anticipation of questions.

Let's go back in time. When you were in high school, everyone wanted to know where you were going to go to college. And then in college they wanted to know what major you were going to choose. Upon graduation the question was what job you would get, followed by when you were going to get married. After marriage the question is when are you going to have kids, and after that it's when you are going to have another kid. Perhaps these questions seem harmless to you. Perhaps you've been asked some or even all of them and never thought twice about it. But let me attempt to provide you with a new perspective.

It almost seems there is an underlying assumption behind these questions that the next stage is better, more promising, more fulfilling, and that staying any longer in the current stage is failure. That’s just not true. Couples who wholeheartedly long for a baby are not encouraged to "figure out how it works" by the questions. Instead, they want to avoid being around people so they won't have to come up with creative answers, pretending to not mind. The same is true for those who have one or more children and want more but do not yet have more.

There are several possibilities with the question of children. Perhaps the couple does not want kids. Should they be judged or considered selfish for that decision when you don't have any idea why they are making that decision? Maybe they want kids but would prefer to wait one year or five years or ten years. Perhaps the couple has been "trying" for quite some time but has yet to conceive. In these circumstances, well meaning questions can be very hurtful.

Most people do not advertise whether or not they are actively trying to conceive, yet we assume that not being pregnant indicates not wanting to conceive. And then there are the couples who have conceived - perhaps many times - but have yet to carry to term and deliver a live baby. They have started their family, but only God has met their children. Again, most people do not make large announcements when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage or stillbirth, so you likely do not know when that has been the experience of the couple of whom you are asking about children.

Just think about it. The above questions (college, degree, job, marriage, kids, more kids, etc.) do serve a purpose with people you know on a pretty superficial basis. When "hey, how are you?" isn't enough, these questions can lead to more dialogue. Yes, many times it is not a problem - many times the couple hasn't experienced infertility and has not lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth. But please believe me when I tell you that the emotional pain from well-intended remarks is not worth the risk. Clearly you are interested in the lives of these people. Clearly you care about them and are simply curious as to when they’ll add to their family. However, there are other ways to express that interest and care.

I understand the natural curiosity we all have about each other. I understand really enjoying the company of another couple, seeing them interact with kids, and imagining how great they will be as parents. But we need to guard against living through other people, and against trying to have their lives fit into the molds we believe to be right for everyone. And above all, we need to be sensitive to the fact that in many cases there is more to the story than we know.

So, isn't it about time [enter name of couple] had a baby? Please don't ask. Care, yes. Ask other questions, yes. But for the sake of all of the women (and men) who are struggling with the issue of having children, please stop asking.

It's really all about T-R-U-S-T

2009-01-17T01:53:00.003-06:00

After our miscarriage, asking those big questions about God's love and His goodness, I had to make a decision as to whether or not I still trusted Him (or whether I ever really had with the day to day parts of life). It's a huge question, one that cannot be overlooked. It's so easy to say "yes, I trust God," but when things go wrong, tragedy strikes, or expectations are not met it can seem to be nothing but words. According to dictionary.com (source of choice at 2am), trust means "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."

So how does God measure up? Can I rely on His integrity? Is His strength enough to sustain me? Is He really able? Is He a "sure" thing? Do I have ultimate confidence in Him? For me, asking those specific questions takes some of the mystery out of trust, making it easier to see through the right answers I've known for years and hear instead the cries of my heart. The fact is that many days my actions, words, and thoughts give evidence that I do not trust God. I often live as though my strength is all that is available, that I must watch out for myself and rely on my abilities.

Trusting God is not something to be reserved for the major issues in life. If I do not practice trusting God every minute of every day, I am sure to fail to trust Him when something goes wrong. Trusting is a habit, just as is not trusting. In a way, that perspective is encouraging because it indicates that with perseverance, over time I can grow my trust muscles by practicing and developing a new habit.

After losing a baby, it is easy to think that trusting God will be easier once another pregnancy comes along and ends with the birth of a healthy baby. However, if we cannot trust God through a miscarriage or stillbirth, we cannot trust Him through a healthy pregnancy or through the blessings and trials of motherhood. Fears that we hold when pregnant will have the same undertones as the fears we will have while raising our other children, or while working, or while ________ (fill in the blank with anything in your life). Fear is fear. It just looks for a good place to land; if that place dries up and becomes irrelevant, it will simply find another suitable host.

Many women have mentioned fearing that they will either be unable to become pregnant after a loss, or that additional losses will occur. This fear can be consuming, and frequently remains throughout the duration of any subsequent pregnancies. It is interesting to note that in the Bible, fear is directly contrasted with trusting God. "When I am afraid, I will trust in You" (Psalm 56:3). We are to put off fear and put on trust. It's like taking off your house slippers to put on your tennis shoes. It's one or the other.

God does not change. He is just as trustworthy when you do trust Him as when you do not trust Him. The difference is in our choices. Trust is one of those emotions that often comes after the decision. I choose to trust God this minute. I choose to trust Him this next minute too. Eventually all of those choices will become a way of life, and trust will begin to soothe, calm, bring peace, and restore balance.

Regardless of where you are right this minute on your journey with God, or on your journey through the death of a baby, know that God is trustworthy. He is able. And He can be relied upon to be your strength. Really, what can we gain by doubting Him? Without trust in God there cannot be peace, true joy, or contentment. Without trust in God things can easily seem to be without meaning or purpose. But through trust we find life-giving energy, love, and wisdom.

No, trust doesn't take away the pain, and it doesn't make life easy. But it really is all we have.

And it really is enough.

Short holiday message

2008-12-13T21:32:00.000-06:00

Holidays can be a difficult time for those who have lost loved ones, including babies who died before birth. Take a moment to remember those around you who may be struggling to walk in joy this holiday season. Reach out, acknowledge their pain, be a listening ear, and give them permission to express what is on their hearts. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” -Romans 12:15.

Poem - Abide in Me

2008-11-06T00:50:00.002-06:00

I found this in a book - Safe in the Arms of Jesus, by Lightner. It is based on a poem by Rossiter W. Raymond.

Beside a grave I knelt in tears,
and felt a presence as I prayed.
I turned to Jesus standing near -
He said: "Be not afraid!"

"Lord, You have conquered death, I know;
restore again to life," I said,
"This little one that we loved so -"
He said: "She is not dead!"

"Not dead? That thought small comfort gives,
our emptied arms can't hold her near.
Now far way with You she lives -"
He said: "But I am here!"

"She is not lost who lives in You?
Grief says such things can never be.
Yet hope asks what the heart must do -"
He said: "Abide in Me!"

When My Heart Condemns Me

2008-10-13T13:33:00.004-05:00

Several months ago I happened upon on a blog that quickly found a place in my heart. Check it out to read the entire story of this precious family: http://www.sweetbabyjames.info/. Abby and John Gjertsen have graciously given me permission to include parts of their story here for you.

Almost everyone I've talked to about miscarriage has felt some twinges (or large amounts) of guilt, wondering what they did wrong or could have done more right. Abby addresses this very issue in a recent post. Their son James lived 482 days; just this past August he died. A few months earlier they miscarried their daughter Dora. Please keep them in your prayers.

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when my heart condemns me
Posted on September 4th, 2008 by Abby.

Today would have been James’s swallow study at the hospital. I have the detailed instructions for it marked through on my calendar, leaving no space to write anything new on today’s date. (That’s a good metaphor for my time right now–recently very full, and presently very empty.) The swallow study was supposed to give us a better understanding of what was making James choke on certain foods and thin liquids. I regret not spending more time trying to feed him by mouth, but we were waiting for the results of the study. He did enjoy eating, though. I wish I had tried to fit in more spoon-feedings simply because he liked it, at least until the coughing or retching began.

I regret a lot of things, looking back, and although everyone tries to talk me out of it, I feel a pretty sizable sense of guilt about James’s death. He was my responsibility. I was on duty. What if it was not his neurological problems that killed him, but something I did wrong? Maybe I should not have let him sleep on his tummy after he came home from the hospital (and was off all the monitors). The cloth diaper he was lying on might have kept him from breathing (although he was able to turn his head). His sugars were good…I had been giving him free water at night, but water should not cause any problems…I go through the list over and over in my mind.

I have confessed these things to God and begged His and James’s forgiveness. So when the guilt-tape starts playing again, I go to 1 John 3:16-20.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

God knows that I really did try to lay my life down for James and love him with actions and in truth, although I was not perfect in faith, diligence, or courage. Christ enabled me to do what I did do, partly by setting me the example of love through His literal sacrifice. Hebrews 10:14-23 confirms that Jesus’ sacrifice was sufficient to secure our complete forgiveness for sin, and not only that, but also to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. That is the source of the hope we profess. And that is what I tell my guilty heart, as many times as it needs to hear it. God forgives me through Jesus, and Jesus has also cleansed me from a guilty conscience. God does work creatively and redemptively, even through my mistakes and bad decisions.

I like to think that James has forgiven me, too, if he needed to at all. I never knew him to hold a grudge when I had to hurt him in life, at least not for long. He seemed to understand that it was all meant for his good, and he would put it behind him pretty quickly (after an angry shout sometimes).

I will write soon about the divine comfort and joy God has given me since James died, but I wanted to share these thoughts first. I suspect that there’s a lot of guilt out there amongst parents, especially “special needs” parents (and medical professionals), who are responsible for life-and-death decisions and interventions day after day. I just wanted to share the verses that help me avoid the temptation to listen to my heart and despair.

Why Us?

2008-10-10T21:30:00.004-05:00

The following is an excerpt from an article written by Phil Roberts. You can learn more about their story by going to http://www.expandingrobertses.com/. We will be posting more from them in the future as well.

_____________________________________________________

Why Us?

Why Not Us?

The “Why us?” question never really goes away, as hard as we try to avoid it. And it’s one that has no good answer.

(The futility and subjectivity of the question are even more obvious when we look at the big picture: After all, why did we get to have any kids at all? Why did we get to have four that did survive? Why aren’t we busy right now trying to go to China to adopt a baby from there?)

Maybe a better question is “Why not us?”
Why wouldn’t we experience the heartbreak of losing a child? Why wouldn’t we get to fulfill every previous generation’s expectation that they would have to bury at least one of their children at some point? And why wouldn’t we have something to give to the whole HOM and NICU communities that we wouldn’t possibly be able to give if we had not experienced the pain of losing Emily?

Already her loss has positively impacted more people than we are able to count. No matter what, we would never want to dwell on our loss to the point of losing out on the life that the rest of us have been given. But at the right points along the way, we will continually work and cry and rack our brains and reminisce with her photos and do whatever it takes to keep Emily…from fading out of our family’s memory.

This kind of grieving is the lowest of all the possible low points of the HOM experience.
But somehow this low point is also our family’s greatest privilege.

I am eternally grateful—as much as it hurts—that for nineteen days we got to meet and know and hold and love and celebrate the little girl who is Emily Anne Roberts.

She stands as a reminder of what we had already discovered on our journey as Christians: that God loves us, that He Himself demonstrated that most vividly through the death of His Child, and that sometimes His greatest grace comes to us in ways that we wouldn’t have asked for, and certainly don’t understand, but wouldn’t trade in for the world. In the end, all we really understand is that the day we get to see Jesus for the first time is also the day that we get to see Emily again. And the painful parts will be redeemed on that day.

For right now, her absence, and the place she has in our hearts, somehow make our highest points seem even higher, and make the future seem even brighter. When Ashley says “Hi, Daddy” and when Benjamin and Casey and Danielle flash their chubby-cheeked baby smiles, I know that a part of Emily’s mystery and innocence and legacy is right there with each one of them. And with us.

“Where did you go, baby girl?”
“Not so very far away at all, Mommy and Daddy.”

Poem

2008-09-12T01:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure who wrote this, but a friend of mine shared it with me:

A Baby’s Secret

I’m just a little fella
Who didn’t make it there
I went straight to be with Jesus
But I’m waiting for you here.

Don’t fret about me mommy,
I’m of all Gods lambs most blest
I’d have loved to stay there with you,
But the shepherd knows what’s best.

Many dwelling here where I live,
Waited years to enter in:
Struggled through a world of sorrow
And their lives were marred with sin.

So sweet Mommy don’t you sorrow,
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I went straight to Jesus bosom
From my lovely mother’s womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,
It was brief, but don’t complain;
I had all of heaven’s glory
Suffered none of earthlings’ pain.

Thank you for the name you gave me.
I’d have loved to brought it fame,
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows
Might instead have brought it shame.

I’ll be waiting for you Mommy ---
You and Daddy, and you too sis ---
I’ll be with you then forever ---
Then we’ll enjoy heaven’s bliss.

Do you "count" the babies you've lost?

2008-08-24T20:15:00.000-05:00

When someone asks if you have any kids, or asks how many you have, do you include in the number the baby or babies in heaven?

This is a great debate amongst those who have lost babies. Some strongly believe you must include every pregnancy in the count, as they are just as much a person as anyone we can see with our eyes. Others don't, often because it just gets messy. In a way, it's a real downer to say "I have two children here and two in heaven," but at the same time, maybe if everyone said that it'd become more understood and more accepted? "Two in heaven" leads most people to assume that the children had been born and sometime later passed away, and when they learn that the deaths were due to miscarriage or stillbirth, it's almost as if they dismiss the losses because they were "only" that kind of loss. Obviously they don't really understand what it's like to lose a baby.

Right or wrong, to many people it seems more tragic to lose a baby after birth than it does before birth. That is part of why we have to join together, share our experiences, and offer support to one another.

So for our own emotional well-being, and for that of those around us, should we not "count" the losses? I'm not going to give my opinion, as this must be left up to each person. I will, however, share what one woman told me: her answer depends upon who is asking, in what circumstance, and how she is feeling at that moment. If it's someone she trusts to handle things right, and if she feels up to going into more details, she includes the baby who died. But if she anticipates that the person will be dismissive or if she just doesn't want to "go there," she doesn't include the loss in the tally.

There are times when including the loss in the count can open up a really good and healing conversation - for you or for the other person. This is especially true if the other person lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth as well and has not felt free to talk about it with anyone.

I don't think you're wrong either way. Just something to think about.

Letter from Julie's baby

2008-08-15T01:52:00.002-05:00

Julie (see previous post) felt that this letter was for her from Merry-Joyce, the baby who miscarried. Read it and be blessed:

Dear Mama,

I saw you cryin’ the night you found out I was gone. Why were you so sad?

You loved me so much when I was with you. I could tell. You talked to me about my brother and sisters and my dad. And my Jesus.

Mama! I met my Jesus! He helped walk me home. He is so nice, mama. He loves me, Just like you said.

Mama, he loves you too. He said you’re sad because you miss me. Don’t be sad, I am forever a part of you and daddy. We’ll be together soon.

Mama I love you. Daddy, too. Please tell everyone about my Jesus.

Love, Merry-Joyce

Julie's story

2008-08-15T01:47:00.003-05:00

Hi, my name is Julie McNutt. I have four children. I have yet to meet my youngest child, as she is resting now in the arms of my Jesus. She was born into Heaven March 11, 2007. Her life verse is Ecclesiastes 3:11 Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

In January of 2007, I wasn’t feeling well. My youngest daughter, Glorey, 3 at the time, told me, “Mommy, you have a baby in your belly, that is why you don’t feel good.” Well, of course, I dismissed this idea, as much as I welcomed another baby, she was only 3, what did she know.

I made an appointment with my family doctor, for Jan 25th. The first thing he asked was, could you be pregnant. I told him it was possible, but not probable. He ran a urine test. It came out negative for pregnancy. I was sent for an abdominal x-ray, because he thought that might give him a better clue as to what was wrong. The x-ray came out OK. It did show that I MIGHT have a kidney stone, but that wouldn’t be causing the symptoms I was having. He finally diagnosed me with gastro-interitis. I ate a bland diet for 3 or 4 days until I felt better. On Jan 31, I was a couple of days late for my cycle. I had been on a 26 day cycle for 8 years, so I thought, maybe I am pregnant after all. I bought a home test, and it was positive.

When I told my 3 year old I did have a baby in my belly, she said, “No you don’t, you have two.”

On Feb 1, I was scheduled for my yearly exam, with my OB/GYN. I told the doctor I had taken a home test and it was positive. He congratulated me, wrote orders for pregnancy labs, and gave me a script for vitamins. Shortly thereafter, I started feeling really tired. This being my 4th time around, I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me was that I was getting headaches. They were not horrible, just annoying.

At my next appt. on March 1, I mentioned the headaches. I was told it was not abnormal, and instructed as to what I could take to relieve them. I am not one to take medication if I can function without it, so I just decided to tough it out. At the time I was 38 yrs old, it was my fourth pregnancy, I was more tired than with my other pregnancies and I am fairly tall. The Dr. suggested all of these things can play into having a multiple pregnancy. I told the doctor what my daughter had said about having 2 babies in my belly, and he thought that was funny. Add to that, he usually delivers 3 sets of twins a year, and he only delivered 2 the year before, so he needed to catch up. He scheduled a sonogram for March 29, at which time I would have been about 13 weeks, just to see if Glorey knew something we didn’t.

On March 9th, I was at my best friend, Jeannes, house, for a scrapbooking party. I went to the bathroom, and noticed some brownish discharge. I called the Dr.s office number. Of course, this being a Friday night, and not an emergency, I was told the nurse on call would call me back. An eternity passed, the phone rang, and the nurse assured me everything was fine. If the discharge became red, call back. On Sunday morning, it was red. I called back. Since it was just a light flow, I should just go about my day. But keep an eye on it. We went to Sunday school. I had everybody pray.

This is when I started wrestling. I told God, He couldn’t have my baby. He gave it to me, and although it would always belong to Him, it was mine, and he couldn’t have it back. I wanted this baby. I had already named her. Naomi Ruth. Surely He wouldn’t take her, now that we were calling her by name. That just wouldn’t be nice. He told me, this isn’t about the Baby. This is about you and me. I gave him my baby, knowing if I didn’t give it up, I would be losing much more.

After church, we went to Carlos O’Kelleys for lunch. While waiting for a table, I went to the bathroom. I came out, cancelled our table, and told my husband we were going to drop the kids off at Jeannes. He understood. I called Jeanne, told her we were bringing the kids over to play. She understood.

At the hospital, they did an internal sonogram, a cervical check, and blood work. I never lost hope. Although I was preparing for the worst. Finally, the doctor came in and told me, although my cervix was still closed, I had no baby in my womb. My husband cried. I just accepted it as fact.

Because we had gone to Via Christi, it being a Catholic Hospital, a Sister came in to talk to me. She assured me I had done nothing wrong to cause this. She also reminded me of another mother who lost her son almost 2000 years ago.

The next day, I called my OB, told him what happened, and scheduled an appt. for 3:30 that day. I told my husband I could go alone, so he could watch the kids. I made it to the building, and on the way up in the elevator, my body let go of all remaining pregnancy product. I made my way to the bathroom and called the office from my cell phone. Marsha, my nurse, brought in a wheelchair to escort me to the office. Because he couldn’t stop my bleeding, the Dr. instructed me to call my husband to come get me and take me to the hospital. I underwent surgery for a D & C.

I realized the struggle of giving my baby back to the Father just the day before was the only reason I was able to make it through. The one thing I had wanted more than anything in the world was taken from me. But I know my Father has only the best in store for me. I also have the promise that He has a plan. I don’t know what that plan is. But I trust Him.

The next week was a blur. Not because of grief. But because of love. Our church family surrounded us and showered us with cards, phone calls, meals, hugs. My other mother even arranged a tea party with the Ladies of Royal Purple ministry. (Tea parties are my favorite indulgence next to chocolate.)

One of the most important things I did for me to help with the grief, was to name my baby. I have always been fascinated by names. So I wanted a name that would honor my child, and my experience. Her name is Merry-Joyce. One reason I changed it, was because I needed something to help me remember her with a happy heart, not a sorrowful one. Mary spelled MARY means bitter. Merry spelled MERRY means happy. Joyce means joyful. I know how easy it would be to be bitter about this. But just saying her name, reminds me to rejoice. I still have the Father. In that I can rejoice.

I do have times where all I can do cry. Sometimes it is a song. Sometimes it is a baby belly on another woman. The hardest day so far was my birthday just past. I was supposed to be a mother of four children.

Some day, when I get home, I will get to meet my baby, maybe even my 2 babies. Until then, I will use this experience to bring glory to my Father.

At the beginning of my talk, I told you I had given my baby the life verse Eccl. 3:11. Because my miscarriage was a 2 day event, I decided that it was necessary to give my child a 2nd verse. Eccl 3:12 reads, So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.

Do's and Don'ts

2008-08-04T00:12:00.007-05:00

The following is a resource I found from Bethany House. Please keep in mind that everyone is different and processes grief differently; some people will react in the exact opposite way from what is stated. However, the majority tend to feel similarly to what is described below.

More than anything, my goal is for this resource to make you think about what you say and why you say it. Are you trying to make yourself feel better for saying the "cure-all" sentence? Or do you truly have their best interests in mind even if their grief makes you sad or uncomfortable?

One final word - please do not read this and decide that you shouldn't do or say anything for fear it'll be wrong. You play a very important role in the lives of those around you who are grieving. Don't allow Satan to convince you that you should stay quiet. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak through you, ministering exactly as is needed at exactly the right time.

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After My Miscarriage

Don't tell me, "You can have another baby." How do you know? Besides, I want this baby.

Don't tell me, "at least it happened before it was born. It's not like you knew the baby." I did know my baby. For the short time s/he was with me, I loved my baby with all my heart. I had hopes and dreams for this baby. I had names picked out and a theme for the nursery. I knew my baby was going to be a very special person.

Don't tell me, "It's just one of those things." It was not just "one of those things" from my viewpoint. Miscarriage has had a devastating effect on my life, and making it sound as though it was an unimportant event does not lessen the impact.

Don't tell me, "It's common," or "It happens to a lot of women." This happened to me, and all I want is to have my baby back.

Don't tell me "It was just a blob of tissue." In my heart and in God's eyes, I know I was carrying a living being inside me from the moment s/he was conceived. Please don't trivialize my beliefs or that precious life.

Don't tell me, "You should be over it by now." Even though the physical effects may have subsided, I am still hurting emotionally. My child has died, and it takes much longer than a week or two to recover from that pain.

Don't tell me, "You'll get over it." The miscarriage was the death of my child. I will never "get over it." The pain and grief will eventually lessen, but I will always wonder what my child would have been like. Every should-have-been birthday, and every anniversary of the miscarriage will be a reminder.

Don't tell me, "You should get pregnant again as soon as possible. That'll help." Help what? I need time to grieve the baby I have lost. I can't even begin to think about getting pregnant again at this time.

Don't tell me, "It won't happen again. The next time will be fine." Again, how do you know? My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage also, even after doctors said there was no reason it wouldn't be successful the second time around.

Do listen to me when I want, or need, to talk about what I am going through.

Do be sensitive to the fact that I probably won't want to hear about your pregnant friend/neighbor/cousin/daughter, or about your new grandchildren or nieces and nephews for a while.

Do give me time to grieve. Some days I may need your shoulder to cry on after everyone else thinks I should be "okay" by now.

Do understand that there are "milestone days," such as the expected due date or the time I should have felt the first kick, when I will be feeling the loss as deeply as when the miscarriage occurred. I will need your support then.

Do know that I am like any other person who has experienced the death of a loved one. I may not feel like talking when you come for a visit, or I may do things you may think inappropriate - such as clean the house - just to have something to do so I don't have to think. Be patient with me.

Do show care to others who have experienced miscarriage. Treat their loss with the same respect and love you would give if they were suffering the death of any other loved one.

Do let those of us who are going through - or have gone through - a miscarriage know that we are not alone. Send a note or make a phone call to let us know you're thinking of us, especially on those difficult "milestone days." Sometimes we feel that we're the only ones who remember, and it's nice to know that our baby was important to you too.

First Glory Babies gathering

2008-07-30T01:42:00.003-05:00

Below is the bulletin announcement for our first gathering. If you have any ideas for this gathering, please call, email, or post a comment. I want women and their husbands to feel comfortable to come, and to be as outgoing or as anonymous as they desire. I want them to leave feeling encouraged, validated, and understood. Two ladies have agreed to share parts of their stories of loss, but I'm not yet sure what else the night will look like.

You are invited to join the Glory Babies ministry as we gather for a night of encouragement and fellowship.

Tuesday, August 12 at 7pm in the Parlor.

Light refreshments will be served.

Please RSVP to Melissa through the e-mail below or contact her at 706-1822 should you have any questions.

Glory Babies is a ministry that walks with women through the losses of miscarriage and stillbirth.

glorybabies@hotmail.com
http://www.glorybabies.blogspot.com/

Not forgotten

2008-07-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

This is another excerpt from my friend's blog:

I am continuing to work on my garden. I am almost done with all of the rock and landscaping, now I have to pick out what types of plants that I want to put in there as well. This project has been very meaningful to me b/c I feel it is a way to honor Caden and to never let him be forgotten. Forgotten, that is a word that has come up a lot lately. I do feel that way very much lately. I know a little bit of why I feel that way, but don't entirely understand it. I really don't want Caden to be forgotten, and in my efforts to be the best person I can be, I think that if I am happy and doing well, then I am forgetting him. Even though I didn't get to know him really, I would have liked to have had the chance to be the best mom that I could be. When I think about wanting to have another baby, I think that I am such an awful person for thinking that way b/c my son is not here. How can I ever be happy again, when there is so much pain inside me. At times like this I see myself taking thousands of steps backwards. Going backwards is the most awful thing for me to do in my own eyes. I just don't know what to do sometimes and just cry and cry. It is so hard to go back and deal w/ things that I thought I had gotten through already.

For the longest time I have seen God as a good God, and I still believe that, but for a while now, I think to myself what is the use? Like today, I remembered to pray for a friend was going through a very scary medical procedure, and while I was praying for her, I said to God, " I don't even know if you hear me anymore, but please be w/ my friend and protect her and give her a sense of peace and calmness as she goes through her procedure." It make me so very sad when I hear myself say those things. I don't want to be mad or angry w/ God, and I know that he is only looking out for me, but I just don't understand him right now. Even so, I still pray and hope that he will hear me someday. Maybe one day I will know why I have to suffer so much right now.

When we lost Caden, I felt abandoned by God, my friends, & family off and on so very many times. I felt like every time that I was pushed to hurry through my grief and be ok again, that Caden was being taken away from me all over again, that pain stings more than I will ever be able to express.

Ups and downs

2008-07-18T01:29:00.003-05:00

Below is an excerpt from a blog that a friend of mine wrote. Her son was stillborn last November. Please keep her (and her husband) in your prayers. She graciously gave me permission to include it on this blog. Reading it I am challenged to be a better friend, to be more authentic, and to never quit evolving into who God has created me to be. May you be blessed as you read this.

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I finally gave my friend her quilt/blanket that I made for her tonight. I had it finished a couple of weeks ago when I couln't sleep one night. Going to her baby shower was one of the hardest things that I have done. I couldn't even look at the things that she got, especially the clothes. I never got to have a shower, and I will never have that same excited feeling again. I wish that I could have that back, but I guess that is all part of my healing process. I hope that one day I can actually be somewhat joyful and attend a baby shower for friends.

A lot of people ask us how we are doing? It is so easy to say "Fine", when really we have so much on our minds and hearts that we aren't sure if anyone is really wanting to know how we really are. So here goes.

My husband: He has been reading this book about a pastor in Olathe who lost his college aged son. The book is about what he is learning through his grief process. A lot of what the book has to say hits home and he can definitely relate to it. I think that it is great to have a man's perspective on grief. His sometimes wonders how Caden would have been at this stage. He would have been 7 months old. My husband right now is in so much need of encouragement. He needs some kind of reassurance that life is going to get better than it is right now. He also wants to move on but not forget Caden and feel good about life again. I am proud of him though, b/c he is still continuing to reach out to other guys and invite them to do things with him or play on his sports teams with him. He is so good about that kind of thing. He also has been so much more open about how life is just hard sometimes, and I see him reallly searching for the truth GOD and what GOD wants him to do in his life. He doesn't have things all figured out, but he is showing me that when things are so super tough and we don't think we can do it, we are wrapped up in the arms of Jesus and he will sustain us.

Me: I have my ups and downs and when I am down, I am REALLY down. All I can do is just cry when I have those down times. It is so hard to explain or even be a part of. I so much want to be different and joyful. I feel as if grief has taken so much away from who I am that I can't see who I am becoming again. I really struggle with that. Right now the hardest place for me to be is church. I wish it weren't so, but I praise God so much at home and in my own time and place and have seen glimpses of God in a very private and personal way, that when I am at church, I feel like I am just there to be there. I feel like I have been labeled "The Girl Who Lost Her Son." I wonder sometimes if my life or Caden's even matters at all to anyone anymore. I love the people at my church, but sometimes it is so hard to be there. I sit by myself sometimes, and it hurts so much that no one stops to ask me if I would like to sit with them. I also have felt like I need to go to the altar every time I have the chance to just thank God for getting me this far. I often would love for someone to come and pray with me just to know that they still care and that I still matter and that Caden still matters, but a lot of times that doesn't happen. I know that many people have no idea what to say or do, so they say nothing and do nothing. That sometimes makes it worse for me, because I think that they just don't care. I get the feeling that people just don't know how to be around me right now. I am so completely lost when I am at church and just don't know where I belong or fit in. Do I even have a place right now? My only child is not with me, but I did have a son, I am not too old, so where does that leave me? That is what I am needing constant prayer and support to find that place where I belong again. I feel like I am starting all over again, and it is soooooooooo hard.

Real quick. I have come to terms with some aspects about Caden dying and my guilt and such. I recently read a book called " A Room of Marvels." In the book the author goes to heaven where many of the people that have died or that he had impacted in some way are in heaven taking him on a journey to his special room. You know the verse " In my house there are many rooms,... I will go there to prepare a place for you" (my very paraphrased version). Anyways, his daughter is there. She died when she was 2. She is the one that asked God to let her father take this journey. He sees all of the people's lives that he has touched in one way or another that he never even knew about. The last stop on his journey is into his "room" where his daughter is waiting for him. She talks to him about why he is always so sad and in pain when he thinks of her. She assures him that she is just fine, and doesn't have to be crippled anymore. In heaven she is "perfect". She wants her daddy to not be in so much pain b/c she isn't and that some day they will see each other again. But for right now she is saving his "room" for him until he comes. That was such a touching chapter that I cried the entire time I was reading it. What I learned from it to relate to myself is that Caden is ok. He is waiting for me and wants me to be happy. He knows how much I miss him and the life that we could have shared together, but he is in perfection and doesn't have to feel any pain. He knows that I will be happy again, and he wants that for me. He is looking down on me and wants me to do the best I can and to keep looking to GOD for my strength. He is with me always. What a great thought.

Resources summaries

2008-07-08T00:16:00.003-05:00

The following are books we've reviewed and found useful in this ministry:

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One
Kathy Wunnenberg. 235 pages.
A consumable resource for the parent who requests daily guidance through the many emotions affiliated with grief and loss. Author draws attention to Biblical characters who experienced similar emotions. Space available for guided journaling. While not specifically directed at infant loss, this could prove to be a valuable resource. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent.

On Grief and Grieving
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler. 232 pages.
Addresses the five most common stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Chapter on “Angels” and the afterlife are questionable. Includes practical advice regarding children affected by loss, suicide, memories and taking care of one’s self during a time of bereavement. Not scripturally based (not inherently un-scriptural, just not purposely based on the Bible). Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.

SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide
Joani Nelson Horchler and Robin Rice. 312 pages.
Information and comfort for grieving family and friends. An endearing collection of personal stories of those who have lost babies due to SIDS. Artfully compiled to address the serious issues of defining SIDS, funeral arrangements, marking the holidays, loss to grandparents, etc. A great resource for this specific type of infant loss. Not necessarily scriptural. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.

Grieving God’s Way
Margaret Brownley. 314 pages.
A collection of 36 short chapters addressing various moments and activities that encourage healing. Ideal for the person who is unable to sit idle during the season of grief. Short daily readings. Recommended for the grieving parent and the grief partner seeking active ways to encourage healing. Scripturally based.

When You Don’t Know What To Say
Harold Ivan Smith. 87 pages.
A short, concise work equipping each grief partner (healer) with more than words or actions to aide the person who is grieving, but gives the proper posture when committing to walk the journey of grief. Scriptural. Highly recommended for every grief partner.

I’ll Hold You In Heaven
Jack Hayford. 113 pages.
A concise work addressing the questions often raised by those who have lost a baby to miscarriage, SIDS, stillbirth and even abortion. This booklet addresses he reality and significance of even the tiniest little being. It answers the question, “Where did my baby go?” And it directs the bereaved in how to walk with the assurance that the child will one day be held on Heaven. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner. Scripturally based.

A B Cs of Healthy Grieving (A companion for everyday coping)
Harold Ivan Smith. 170 pages.
The precise handbook gives daily encouragement while coping with the various stages and emotions due to loss of a loved one. Each ‘devotional entry’ ends with an “I can…” statement which enables the grieving person to press on. Recommended for grieving parents. Not scripturally based.

Silent Grief
Clara Hinton. 192 pages.
This work chronicles one woman’s walk through her own grief at the loss of a baby. Together with other people’s stories the author addresses such issues as the immediate pain of loss, well meaning friends, and moving on. It is a bit like reading through another person’s journal. Recommended for the grieving parent. Scriptural.

Empty Arms
Pam Vredevelt. 166 pages.
Beginning with the author’s own loss due to a stillbirth, the reader is taken through the long journey of loss and grief. Vredevelt artfully weaves medical information together with her expertise as a counselor to answer many haunting questions of why. She addresses the loss to husbands, spiritual/emotional battles, and well-meaning but bumbling friends. Through knowledge and helpful suggestions, this book equips both the grieving parents and the grief partner. Scriptural.

Safe in the Arms of God
John MacArthur. 171 pages.
MacArthur addresses the difficult questions of a baby’s eternity. When people say, “Your baby is in heaven,” can we be sure of that? He addresses the inherit sin of mankind and the innate innocence of little ones with direct scriptural references. Ideal for the person who needs Biblical proof of these truths. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner. Scriptural.

Safe in the Arms of Jesus
Robert Lightner. 92 pages.
The author provides a sound basis for our hope that little ones truly are “safe in the arms of Jesus.” Lightner argues that the one who is unable to make the decision for/against salvation in Christ before his/her death is not bound by the requirements of sin. An insightful read for either the grieving parent agonizing over the question and for the grief partner who is often faced with the question. Scriptural.

Empty Arms
Sherokee Ilse. 70 pages.
Having experienced, miscarriage, stillbirth and ectopic pregnancy herself, the author addresses several pertinent issues dealing with the death of a baby. She addresses the immediate issues/needs in the moment of loss as well as the long term needs of the grieving. Concise, helpful. Not scriptural. Recommended for both the grieving parent and the grief partner.

Good guilt, Bad Guilt – and what to do with each
Becca Cowen Johnson. 174 pages.
Author explores the difference between good guilt, the purpose of a healthy conscience, and bad guilt, the shame that condemns. Cowen Johnson explores family expectations, religious expectations and cultural guilt. Chapters 12 through 17 address the actions needed to alleviate guilt in a healthy, God-inspired way. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent who is crippled by guilt at the loss of a baby.

When the Cradle Is Empty
John and Sylvia Van Regenmorter. 162 pages.
This book addresses the many issues couples experiencing infertility may face. As multiple miscarriages are common for infertile couples, this may help those struggling with two types of loss; the loss of a baby and the loss of hope. The couple addresses such issues as faith during loss, high-tech methods to achieve pregnancy, and finally the end of the journey. Scriptural. Recommended for the grieving parent also dealing with infertility.

The Blessing Book
Linda Dillow. 131 pages.
The author addresses our reactions to different types of fear and pain as seen throughout the Psalms. The book is a guided study useful to anyone dealing with difficult circumstances. Scriptural. Recommended to grieving parents and the grief partner who desires a shared biblical study.

Secondary losses

2008-07-07T16:16:00.004-05:00

A good friend of mine is a marriage and family therapist. She attended our recent Glory Babies partner training and (as usual) provided some great insights. One thing she talked about was secondary losses. She drew a diagram - but I'm not sure how to get that on here...I will if I figure it out! Basically, there's a circle in the middle of the page. Inside that circle you write down the loss (for example, a miscarriage). Then draw larger circles around that first circle - kind of like the rings on a tree. Each outer circle represents secondary losses. With a miscarriage, examples of secondary losses include the anniversary of the loss, the due date and anniversaries of that due date/birthday, Mother's Day, going to a baby shower, finding out a friend/sibling/coworker/etc is pregnant...the list goes on and on.

These secondary losses are things that can bring on all the emotions of the initial loss like a flood, often unexpectedly and out of the blue. By brainstorming potential secondary losses, you can anticipate those hard moments and take out a little bit of their sting. They will likely still be difficult, but oftentimes it is a tiny bit easier when you know they're coming, and you can even begin to process through them and decide how you'd like to respond (not that we always respond how we'd like to).

At that same training, one of the partners who attended said that one of her secondary losses was on her own birthday, because she had pictured having a new baby on her birthday that year and there wasn't one because of the miscarriage. This tool can be used for any type of loss (death of loved one, loss of job, disappointments in any area), and is something you can not only use for yourself, but something you can walk through with another person who experiences a loss. If you have ideas of other secondary losses that can occur with miscarriage, post a comment on this post.

"simple" questions

2008-07-07T15:40:00.003-05:00

I remember getting ready to graduate from college, bombarded by questions from everyone wanting to know "what are you going to do now?" Then, once I had a job, the question was "when are you going to date?" You know where this is going.... Next was "when are you getting married" and then of course "when are you having a baby?" It seems that we are always looking to the next possible stage of life, and always "encouraging" others to move to what we perceive to be that next stage. After our miscarriage (our first pregnancy, so no other kids), people continued to ask when we would start our family. It had become a painful question, no longer small talk between two aquaintances. One of the worst questions was on Mother's Day, when lighthearted "jokes" were made.

I have two main problems with this kind of questioning. First - why the pressure to do the next thing? I am no more whole as a parent than I was as a spouse; no more whole as a spouse than as a single...etc. The questions, while seemingly innocent, give off an assumption that someone is lacking, missing out, incomplete, if they have not moved to the next stage (whatever that is) or are at least moving in that direction.

Secondly - of all the various stage questions to ask (college, degree, job, spouse, kids, etc), asking about a baby is perhaps the most painful. We need to THINK before asking this question. Perhaps the couple is waiting before starting their family - this seems to be the assumption most people make when asking the question. Perhaps they do not want kids at all (for a variety of reaons) - for those who really want a baby, this option is almost unfathomable, but it isn't a wrong option. Perhaps they have tried but have been unable to conceive. Or, perhaps they have lost one or more babies to miscarriage or stillbirth. Asking when they will start their family just jabs at the already painful place in their hearts.

Let's stop assuming. And stop expecting that everyone else is on the same path, with the same desires and goals. I realize that we ask because we are interested about the other person, and don't really know what to talk about. So we ask about the future, or about what we think the future does or should hold. Let's be creative here. Think of questions to ask that don't immediately hit on possibly painful areas. Share something about yourself, or strike up a conversation about the weather. Or ask what they're looking forward to in the near future, or where they see themselves in five years.

Just think. Don't assume. Imagine different situations and how your questions/comments could affect the other person. Be sensitive. And remember - these aren't "simple" questions.

Verses

2008-06-18T19:03:00.002-05:00

There are many verses in the Bible that speak to us in times of loss - verses that we identify with, verses that bring hope or encouragement, verses that remind us of important truths. Here is a place for everyone to share the specific verses that have ministered to them. Please be sure to include the reference, and which version you're typing. If you'd like to include a few sentences about how the verse helped you, that would be great as well!

Memorials

2008-06-18T18:57:00.001-05:00

This is a place for you to write memorials, letters, etc. for the baby/babies you have lost. It can be as simple as listing the name(s) or as long as you'd like.

Ideas for Closure

2008-06-18T18:45:00.002-05:00

First, let me say that just because you do something for closure, you're not necessarily "over" the loss. The sadness, memories, etc. can and likely will continue for a long time. (However, if you find that the sadness IS over for you, that's fine too - it's different for everyone.) This post is for ideas of things people can do to remember their babies. List your ideas, whether or not you've tried them yourself. If you have a picture of what you have done, we would love to see that here as well. Let the creative juices flow!

Prayers

2008-06-06T00:24:00.002-05:00

This a place for our prayer partners to use to pray over this ministry and specifically over the women they are praying for (but please don't use names!).

What is your story?

2008-06-06T00:14:00.002-05:00

Everyone's story of loss is different; even two seemingly identical stories can be experienced in very different ways. What is your story? When did you lose your baby or babies? How did you feel?

When others move on

2008-06-05T23:53:00.004-05:00

I had a long conversation today with a friend who recently lost her mother to cancer. I called to see how she was doing, not knowing what to expect, or even if I would reach her. Part of me didn't want to call - what if she was having a really good day and bringing up her mom would bring her sadness? What if I would say the wrong thing? Yet I knew from my own experience that it is far better to take the risk and reach out than it is to play it safe. We need others to acknowledge our losses, even months or years down the road. As she talked, I could tell that her mom is on her mind frequently, and that she has been doing everything she can to process through all of the changes that have taken place in her life over the past few years. She mentioned feeling alone, not knowing others her age who have weathered similar situations. She said sometimes she wishes a friend of her mom's would call just to say they were thinking of her mom that day too. In the final months of her mom's illness, countless friends were in and out, stopping by to visit or asking how they could help. While that was a wonderful support, it needed to continue after her mom's death. It needs to continue even today. Yes, life goes on. Yes, the pain is far less for most everyone besides my friend and her immediate family. Yes, it has slowly become easier - but it is still hard. And it probably always will be hard. She wasn't complaining as she shared these things with me; she was very aware of the things God has been doing and continues to do in her life. She is thankful for many things that have happened. But at the same time she still needs support and encouragement. I post this story even though it is not directly about miscarriage to illustrate the point that we must consciously choose to reach out again and again to those who have lost loved ones. Their pain is real, whether or not we acknowledge it or give them space to be real. We cannot fix the pain or remove it entirely, but by simply remembering and validating feelings, we can be the hands, feet, and ears of Jesus as He heals their hearts day by day.

Lyrics to Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

2008-06-05T23:49:00.002-05:00

Mercy Me
Bring The Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Lyrics to Glory Baby by Watermark

2008-06-05T23:38:00.001-05:00

Glory Baby, You slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you Until we're home with you

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
*We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would, just like he said he would

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know, all you'll ever know

CHORUS

How this ministry began

2008-06-05T23:33:00.001-05:00

In the summer of 2006, my husband and I were very excited to learn that we were going to have a baby. It was not long, however, before that excitement was replaced with grief as the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I was not at all prepared to deal with the huge range of emotions that followed. It seemed that I didn’t really have anyone to walk with me through that season. While I didn’t know exactly what I wanted or needed from another person, I knew that I felt very alone, and very sad.

As people learned of our loss, they offered well-intentioned words. However, instead of bringing comfort, many of those words seemed to dismiss my pain, sadness, anger, despair, guilt, and doubt. I felt as though I was expected to move on, be thankful for what I had, view the loss as a blessing in disguise, and simply “trust God.” Many of the comments had truth in them, but they were not offered in the right way or at the right time. I think that is often the case with other losses as well; in general, we are uncomfortable seeing people in pain, and we seek to say or do something to alleviate their pain -- and our discomfort. Looking back, I see that I needed a hug, time to process through the loss, permission to grieve and ask hard questions, and the grace to doubt God and have ugly days.

I understand that it is difficult for people to support a person through a miscarriage, in part because they never met the baby who died, never held him or her, never had a personal connection similar to what they may have had with others who pass away. Often there is not a body to bury, nor any rituals to carry out that we associate with death. Yet the loss is the same. Many people do not realize that as many as 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage. There is a great need for support. Out of my experience, as well as the experiences of many others who have graciously shared their stories, a new ministry has begun.

Glory Babies is a new ministry, here to partner with women who experience miscarriage. We don’t pretend to have all the answers; we are here to pray, listen, support, encourage, and walk with women on their journey toward healing. We have a wonderful group of women who are available and ready to meet with women one on one, talk on the phone, or email. We also have a precious group of women who pray for each pair of partners.

The pain of miscarriage can last for a long time, especially for women who never felt the freedom to truly grieve, or who did not have a sense of closure after the loss. Glory Babies is here for anyone, whether the loss was very recent or many years ago. Already we have found that women feel a sense of relief when they are given the opportunity to talk about their loss and how it impacted them – to know that they are not alone, not crazy, and not wrong for how they feel. While the focus of this ministry is on women, we acknowledge that men are also impacted by miscarriage, and in time we plan to expand the ministry to include things that would be beneficial for them.

Please pray for this new ministry. Pray that we will have wisdom as we talk with women. Pray that women will find strength in the Lord and not believe the lies of the enemy. Pray that we will continue to find partners who have a heart for this ministry.