October gathering/National Day

Our October gathering will be Tuesday, October 13, from 7-8:30 in the Parlor.  October 15th is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  We'll use the theme of remembrance for the gathering on the 13th.  God has a lot to say about remembering, and I think it will bring comfort to know He does not forget - nor does He expect us to.   He also does not forget His promises to us, our dreams, or our prayers, even when it seems as though they are far from His mind.  Come hear how remembering, and trusting that God remembers, can impact your life in a very positive way.

CELEBRATION GATHERING COMING UP!!

I tried to make this larger, but my blogger skills have obviously reached their end...sorry!

How "Why Me?" Becomes..."Why Not?"

Our featured speaker for the July gathering was Pam Ramsey. A long-time family friend, mentor, Bible study teacher, and Christian role model to many, Pam's prayerful preparations always result in wisdom imparted to her listeners. For this blog post I will summarize her main points, as well as expound upon some of them.

She shared a quote from Catherine Martin's book Walking with the God Who Cares: "But somewhere along the way in darkness you must reach the heart of eternal perspective, God’s view, and connect with him in the depth of your pain so you can stay the course with your Lord. Nothing like the power of God in adversity. The promises of the Word of God will help you stay your course with your Lord. The canvas must remain on the easel and allow the Master artist to paint His masterpiece to display in His gallery for His glory.”

This concept of God being the artist, and each of us being a canvas really resonated with those of us in attendance. We claim to believe that God knows best, yet we try to take the paintbrush from His hands and dip it in a different color of paint, or use it to make different strokes. It is difficult to believe that a loving God would allow or even choose difficult things to enter our lives, but we must remember that we are only able to look at things from our human perspective, with our human logic. To us, 2 + 3 = 5. Always. And d comes after a, b, then c. But God even TELLS us that His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8-9). Perhaps in God's economy, 2 + 3 = 8, and d comes after x, j, and then w. We do not have to understand. In fact we are told to "lean not on your own understanding" (Prov 3:5-6). We are to live the script, not write it. Display His glory on the canvas of our lives, not be an easel-bound artist.

Pam shared that when her first daughter was born, with many medical difficulties, it was tempting to ask "why me?" Yet by God's grace she instead chose to accept, and not demand that He answer her countless prayers with her answers. She learned, or perhaps practiced her skill, to trust God regardless of the circumstances. Rather than ask "why me?" she asked "what, Lord?" What do You have for me to learn in this trying time? Of course this attitude, this decision, this perspective did not take away the pain or disappointment, but it did allow Pam to continue moving forward in anticipation of the good things God was doing all around her.

Fast forward many years...Pam's older daughter miscarried as the younger daughter delivered a healthy baby. Why, God? A year later her younger daughter miscarried. Why, God? Through walking with her daughters through their losses, she realized she had not fully processed through her own tubal pregnancy years before, between the births of her daughters. A very painful season in life, no doubt, but one in which Pam and her daughters chose to lean on Jesus, trusting His plan for each of their lives. The more we trust God, the less we ask "Why me?"

God, please give us faith to deal with our circumstances. We give You permission to continue working in our lives, to paint the masterpiece of YOUR choosing.

Pam also made the point that sometimes we keep asking questions of God because we are not being still enough to listen to His answers. We get caught in the busy trap, either in action or in thought, and are not choosing to shut out all noise besides His voice. We do not allow our grief to draw us near to Him. We turn to other people and other activities instead, yet (of course) never find the comfort for which we long. We think that by staying busy we will heal, or at least deny to the point of forgetting our pain. Yet it is only through time with God - quiet, chosen, peaceful time with God - that He can heal our hearts, minds, and emotions.

Many times in grief situations, especially with miscarriage, people try to encourage us by suggesting that it is time we move on. Often their motivation is for their own comfort rather than for our best interests. However, Pam very lovingly shared with us that there is a time for moving on. A God-ordained time for moving on. That does not mean that the healing process ends, that babies are forgotten, or that the pain was unfounded to begin with. It simply recognizes that for everything there is a season. We want the season of grief to end, really, we do. Yet sometimes we seem unwilling to allow the new season of joy to begin. Back to the artist/canvas illustration - perhaps a darker color was required for a section of the background, but then it is time for lighter colors to be painted over and around the darker colors in order for the intended masterpiece to be completed. The lighter colors are only as rich as they are because of the darker colors behind them. Each season of life, each stroke of the painter's brush, is purposeful, leads to good things, and can be trusted because of WHO the painter is. If God chooses to use the canvas of your life to paint a picture that is different than the picture you would have chosen, will you continually wriggle around and argue with Him? Or will you rest on the easel, grateful to be used in ANY way by the Master, for His glory? The choice is yours, and the choice is mine.

Why me? Why not? I know who is holding the brush.

Expectations, part 2

A special thank you to the ladies who joined us tonight :)

(This is a recap of our discussion...so it's a tad lengthy.)

Think about something that you expected - today, this week, maybe several months ago, maybe even something you expected when you graduated from high school.  How did you picture your life would be at this stage?  I have yet to meet anyone whose life looks exactly as they expected years ago.  And most people can name at least one thing that they are glad did not turn out as they had expected!  Many times we can see, from the vantage point of today, how what we once hoped for was not the best for us after all.  Yet other times we remain sorely disappointed.

Expectations usually refer to things we want to have happen – things we’re looking forward to.  It talks about a degree of probability – the chance that a certain outcome will occur.  We look to friends and family, or others at church and work, to determine what should happen to us, what is likely to happen, what we can reasonably expect.  

But God is not bound by human statistics.  Just because we should be able to or not be able to do or have something doesn’t mean it will or won’t happen.  Sometimes things just don’t make sense to us.  But we can’t expect them to always make sense to us.  God never pretends that we will understand His ways.  In fact, He tells us that His ways are higher than our ways.

Isaiah 55:8-9   

 ⁸ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 
       neither are your ways my ways," 
       declares the LORD.

 ⁹ "As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
       so are my ways higher than your ways 
       and my thoughts than your thoughts."

I find it freeing to realize and accept that my ways and thoughts do not and will not match up with God's ways and thoughts.  Yes, sometimes it is frustrating, wondering why God would set life up in such a way that we cannot understand things.  But in a sense it takes the pressure off of me, giving me permission to carry on with my life even though I do not understand why certain things did or did not happen.

I have been working through a Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild entitled Me, Myself, and Lies.  I think I need an IV of the study continually pumping into my brain (not a perfect word picture, but you get the main idea!).  The basic concept, at least so far, is that we each have a thought closet.  Just as our clothes go into a closet and from that selection we clothe ourselves each day, we have a closet of sorts in our minds and hearts from which we mentally, emotionally, and spiritually clothe ourselves each day.  If something is not in the closet, we cannot select it.  And if one type of thing is taking up a lot of the available space, we're more likely to reach for it than a type that is scarce.  

So if we choose to allow in and dwell on negative thoughts, or lies about ourselves, God, or situations, we are choosing to fill our thought closet with draining and harmful thoughts.  When trials come throughout each day, and we reach into that closet, we're likely to pull out negative and destructive thoughts that we proceed to say to ourselves. And thus the downward spiral of negativity begins.

Each time something happens that we do not like - each time we are facing unmet expectations, we have two choices.  We can either focus on the disappointment and enter the pattern of "this happened, and therefore I am ______ and God is ________ and there is no hope."  Or we can focus on the unchangeable facts about God.  At the bottom of the previous post I referenced Beth Moore's five point statement of faith (except I butchered it a little bit).  Here it is:

1. God is who He says He is.

2. God can do what He says He can do.

3. I am who God says I am.

4. I can do all things through Christ.

5. God's Word is alive and active in me.

God cannot change.  That is one of His glorious "limitations."  He will always love us, always protect us and provide for us, always give us security, always treasure us.  He will always have good plans for us, and will always care about even the smallest details of our lives - not to mention the huge issues. 

Psalm 5:3 says: "In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."  

To me this is saying that God's job is to hear my voice, while my job is to lay my requests before him...and then wait in expectation.  He already knows what we hoped for and how disappointed we are.  He already knows we are sad or angry.  We're not telling him anything new.  But until we give back to him our thoughts and feelings, we cannot be ready for Him to fill us with His peace.  Being disappointed when expectations are not met does not indicate that our faith is weak.  Since faith is Biblically defined as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1), it stands to reason that faith happens only in the context of hoping and expecting.  If we are so in control of our circumstances that we do not have to hope, because we have somehow guaranteed our success, there is no need for faith.  Faith and expectations go hand in hand.  The challenge is in figuring out how to expect without worrying, how to anticipate good things without being crushed if they do not come to pass.  

How do we do that?  By building a strong foundation upon God's truths.  Just as in the story of the wise and foolish builders (Matthew 7:24-27), when we have a rock solid foundation, we can better withstand whatever storm may come our way.  We may get wet, and we may even feel somewhat battered by the storm.  But we'll still be standing when it passes (or maybe on our knees).

A friend of mine, Cathy, called tonight as I was on the way to the Glory Babies gathering.  She wanted to share a story that related to expectations.  I will relay it here as best as I can, but know that some of the details may be a bit off!  You'll get the main points :)

Cathy and her son were watching a mother robin build a nest outside their home.  For days on end she made trips back and forth, preparing this nest for eggs.  Finally she finished, laid the eggs, and then sat on them.  Robins are supposed to lay on their eggs for 14 days, always keeping the eggs warm and dry, until it is time for the baby birds to hatch.  So for 14 days Cathy and her son watched and waited, with much anticipation.  Toward the end of that 14 days it began to storm.  It rained and rained, and rained some more, but that mother robin just hunkered down and continued to lay on her eggs, seeming to have little concern for the pummeling she was receiving.  Finally the storms subsided.  It was time for the eggs to hatch, so Cathy and her son kept watching and waiting.  But nothing happened.  Day 14 came and went, as did day 15 and day 16.  The mother robin would leave the nest, get some food, and return, only to stare into the nest perplexed.  It became apparent that the eggs were not ever going to hatch.  Eventually the mother robin flew away.

Cathy and her son were disappointed - they had fully expected to watch baby birds peck through those shells.  And the mother robin must have been disappointed too!  She had done everything right, but still her eggs did not hatch. The storms that came were simply too much.  God knew before she ever began to build her nest that the eggs would not hatch.  Why did He not redirect her?  Or why did He let the storm rage on for so long? 

Isn't life like that sometimes?  We think we know what is coming, we plan and prepare, we give it our best shot.  But in the end we do not experience what we had hoped to experience.  Through no fault of our own, our expectations are met with disappointment.  Does that mean we were foolish to expect in the first place?  No.  Does that mean we misunderstood God when we felt He was calling us to make those plans and take those action steps?  Not necessarily.  Sometimes there are no explanations.  It simply is what it is.  

The enemy of our souls wants to get us into that destructive spiral.  He wants us to tell ourselves that we messed up.  We're not worthy of the blessing we sought.  We don't deserve it.  God is punishing us.  God just doesn't care about us or our situation.  We need to get over it and stop making a big deal out of nothing.  

At the same time, though, God desires to walk with us through the debris of our unmet expectations, and show us pieces of blessings along the path, leading us to His best for our lives.  Who will you choose to follow?  Whose hand will you allow to guide you?

A good friend of mine shared with me several years ago that when I was desiring to change certain behaviors or reactions, with little success, that perhaps I needed another method.  She explained that A + B = C.  "A" is the circumstance, and "C" is our reaction or behavior.  We see the Cs in life and try to change them.  But what little success we may have is often short lived, as we slip back into old habits.  Or perhaps we decide that if the As would only change, the Cs would go away as well.  Again, though, we miss the point.  We cannot control our circumstances or the people in our lives.  Difficult "A" situations will happen.  Period.  The key is to recognize what "B" stands for.  "B" represents our beliefs and our thoughts.  For example, another friend mentioned that her recent request for a certain week of vacation was denied.  She was very frustrated, and had to fight against having a terrible day as a result of the news.  Her "C" was frustration and a bad rest of the day.  Her "A" was the fact of her request being denied.  She can't change the "A", and trying to change the "C" is like trying to push a car when the emergency brake is on and it's in park.  However, she can choose what "B" statements take up residence in her mind and heart.  Will she choose to believe that life is just so unfair, she never gets the blessings, nobody else has been denied their choice of week off - just dwelling on the injustice of it all?  Or will she choose to believe that God knows what He's doing, He loves her, He alone has the right to speak into her life, and that He has a plan far above the best she can imagine?  That choice will determine the "B" part of her equation, and the "B" will determine the "C" - does that make sense?

To sum it up, we can rarely change our circumstances, and it is very difficult to simply change our behaviors.  But we can become aware of our beliefs and thoughts, carefully choosing what we will dwell upon.  Choose what fills your thought closet.  Life will rain on us.  We must choose, like that robin, to hunker down and wait out the storm.  And then we must choose to trust God regardless of the outcome.  

I often don't understand why those torrential rains come.  But I can decide to lay my requests at God's feet, wait with expectation, and exercise my faith muscles.  Expectations are not bad.  We cannot live on perpetual mountaintops.  In fact, perpetual mountaintops are nothing more than a long road at a high elevation!  Mountaintops imply valleys.  We don't need to fear or dread the valleys, or waste our time on the mountains in the name of preparing for the valleys.  Some of our expectations will be met.  Others will not be met.  Who God is, what He can do, who you are, and what you can do, all remain constant regardless of your experiences.  Keep expecting.  Keep requesting.  Keep choosing truth.  Stand on the Rock.

Expectations, part 1

Expectations - we all have them.  We expect things of ourselves, things of others, and things of God.  We have ideas about how life will play out, including at just what times or stages certain things will happen.  

And then they don't happen.  

And then they still don't happen.

And then they still don't happen...still.

Or maybe the exact opposite happens, which can seem worse.

It can feel like someone, or Someone (God), has forgotten about us, or is even upset with us.  Or perhaps we weren't destined for these good things that comprise our dreams.  Or this is our thorn in the side, something to teach us to lean into God.  

Yet in the midst of these unfulfilled expectations, the truths of God remain unchanged.  Because, like God Himself, His truths cannot change.  They hold true even when they seem to go against our reality.  After all, perception is reality, so if we perceive things to be one way, regardless of how they really are, that's what we think is true.  But God's ways are the best ways...period.  

Holding on to His truths is possible.  And it really is the only way to go.  Stay tuned for some practical ways to do just that.  In the meantime, stand firm.  Choose to believe God is who He says He is, that you are who He says you are, and that He can do what He says He can do.  (Last sentence is a partial paraphrase of someone I can't think of right now...sorry about that.)

Can you relate to this?

I recently posted a note on my facebook page called "The Next Baby."  I received many responses, mostly from women who completely understood and who were glad to see their feelings in print.  I'm sharing it here for you in hopes that you will feel validated and encouraged that you are not alone.  I welcome any and all comments.  The first portion is the version of the note that should be printed in our church newsletter next month.  Following that is the original version.  We are in this together; the more people we can help to understand the pain associated with miscarriage and stillbirth, with infertility and secondary infertility, the better able we as the body of Christ can help each other.

The Next Baby (shortened version for church newsletter; full version follows)

We all have a natural curiosity about what is coming next in the lives of others.  We ask about choice of college and major, timing of marriage and children…the list goes on and on.  Perhaps you've been asked these questions and never thought twice about it. But for some people these questions serve as painful reminders of what is not part of their reality. 

 

The underlying assumption behind these questions is that the next stage is better, more promising and fulfilling. That’s just not true.  The struggle many of us have with contentment is not made easier in the face of constant reminders that we are not where we supposedly should be.

Most people do not advertise whether they are hoping to conceive, yet we assume that not being pregnant indicates not wanting a baby.  Likewise, most people do not make large announcements when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage or stillbirth.  They have started their family, but only God has met their children.

Questions about college, degree, job, marriage, kids, more kids, etc., do serve a purpose with people you know on a pretty superficial basis - when "hey, how are you?" isn't enough.  While many times the couple you are asking has not experienced infertility or lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth, the emotional pain from well-intended remarks is not worth the risk. Clearly you are interested in the lives of these people.  Clearly you care about them and are simply curious as to when they’ll add to their family.  However, there are other ways to express that interest and care.

We need to guard against living through other people, and against trying to have their lives fit into the molds we believe to be right for everyone. And above all, we need to be sensitive to the fact that in many cases there is more to the story than we know.

So, isn't it about time [enter name of couple] had a baby?  Instead of asking, think of other things you’d like to know about the couple.  What are they looking forward to in the next season?  What do they think about something in the news?  Or even share something more about yourself – transparency leads to more transparency.   Just a friendly request for you to see this topic from a new perspective.  For more information, contact Glory Babies at glorybabies@hotmail.com or visit our blog: www.glorybabies.blogspot.com.

The Next Baby (original version)

Every week countless couples field an array of well meaning questions about when they're going to have a baby. Most are said in an almost joking manner, with a playful punch on the arm, or a wink and a smile.
 
"Isn't it about time you had another baby?"
"Come on guys, get with it!"
"You don't want them too far apart, do you?"
"You're not getting any younger!"

This article is not written out of anger, or even out of frustration, although that is sometimes the case with this issue. The goal is to cause you to consider the questions you ask people, and to begin taking away the dread that many feel when coming to church – a dread caused by anticipation of questions.

Let's go back in time. When you were in high school, everyone wanted to know where you were going to go to college. And then in college they wanted to know what major you were going to choose. Upon graduation the question was what job you would get, followed by when you were going to get married. After marriage the question is when are you going to have kids, and after that it's when you are going to have another kid. Perhaps these questions seem harmless to you. Perhaps you've been asked some or even all of them and never thought twice about it. But let me attempt to provide you with a new perspective. 

It almost seems there is an underlying assumption behind these questions that the next stage is better, more promising, more fulfilling, and that staying any longer in the current stage is failure.  That’s just not true.  Couples who wholeheartedly long for a baby are not encouraged to "figure out how it works" by the questions. Instead, they want to avoid being around people so they won't have to come up with creative answers, pretending to not mind. The same is true for those who have one or more children and want more but do not yet have more.

There are several possibilities with the question of children. Perhaps the couple does not want kids. Should they be judged or considered selfish for that decision when you don't have any idea why they are making that decision? Maybe they want kids but would prefer to wait one year or five years or ten years.  Perhaps the couple has been "trying" for quite some time but has yet to conceive. In these circumstances, well meaning questions can be very hurtful.

 

Most people do not advertise whether or not they are actively trying to conceive, yet we assume that not being pregnant indicates not wanting to conceive. And then there are the couples who have conceived - perhaps many times - but have yet to carry to term and deliver a live baby. They have started their family, but only God has met their children. Again, most people do not make large announcements when a pregnancy ends in miscarriage or stillbirth, so you likely do not know when that has been the experience of the couple of whom you are asking about children. 

Just think about it. The above questions (college, degree, job, marriage, kids, more kids, etc.) do serve a purpose with people you know on a pretty superficial basis. When "hey, how are you?" isn't enough, these questions can lead to more dialogue. Yes, many times it is not a problem - many times the couple hasn't experienced infertility and has not lost a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth. But please believe me when I tell you that the emotional pain from well-intended remarks is not worth the risk. Clearly you are interested in the lives of these people.  Clearly you care about them and are simply curious as to when they’ll add to their family.  However, there are other ways to express that interest and care.

I understand the natural curiosity we all have about each other. I understand really enjoying the company of another couple, seeing them interact with kids, and imagining how great they will be as parents. But we need to guard against living through other people, and against trying to have their lives fit into the molds we believe to be right for everyone. And above all, we need to be sensitive to the fact that in many cases there is more to the story than we know.

So, isn't it about time [enter name of couple] had a baby? Please don't ask. Care, yes. Ask other questions, yes. But for the sake of all of the women (and men) who are struggling with the issue of having children, please stop asking.

It's really all about T-R-U-S-T

After our miscarriage, asking those big questions about God's love and His goodness, I had to make a decision as to whether or not I still trusted Him (or whether I ever really had with the day to day parts of life). It's a huge question, one that cannot be overlooked. It's so easy to say "yes, I trust God," but when things go wrong, tragedy strikes, or expectations are not met it can seem to be nothing but words. According to dictionary.com (source of choice at 2am), trust means "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence."

So how does God measure up? Can I rely on His integrity? Is His strength enough to sustain me? Is He really able? Is He a "sure" thing? Do I have ultimate confidence in Him? For me, asking those specific questions takes some of the mystery out of trust, making it easier to see through the right answers I've known for years and hear instead the cries of my heart. The fact is that many days my actions, words, and thoughts give evidence that I do not trust God. I often live as though my strength is all that is available, that I must watch out for myself and rely on my abilities.

Trusting God is not something to be reserved for the major issues in life. If I do not practice trusting God every minute of every day, I am sure to fail to trust Him when something goes wrong. Trusting is a habit, just as is not trusting. In a way, that perspective is encouraging because it indicates that with perseverance, over time I can grow my trust muscles by practicing and developing a new habit.

After losing a baby, it is easy to think that trusting God will be easier once another pregnancy comes along and ends with the birth of a healthy baby. However, if we cannot trust God through a miscarriage or stillbirth, we cannot trust Him through a healthy pregnancy or through the blessings and trials of motherhood. Fears that we hold when pregnant will have the same undertones as the fears we will have while raising our other children, or while working, or while ________ (fill in the blank with anything in your life). Fear is fear. It just looks for a good place to land; if that place dries up and becomes irrelevant, it will simply find another suitable host.

Many women have mentioned fearing that they will either be unable to become pregnant after a loss, or that additional losses will occur. This fear can be consuming, and frequently remains throughout the duration of any subsequent pregnancies. It is interesting to note that in the Bible, fear is directly contrasted with trusting God. "When I am afraid, I will trust in You" (Psalm 56:3). We are to put off fear and put on trust. It's like taking off your house slippers to put on your tennis shoes. It's one or the other.

God does not change. He is just as trustworthy when you do trust Him as when you do not trust Him. The difference is in our choices. Trust is one of those emotions that often comes after the decision. I choose to trust God this minute. I choose to trust Him this next minute too. Eventually all of those choices will become a way of life, and trust will begin to soothe, calm, bring peace, and restore balance.

Regardless of where you are right this minute on your journey with God, or on your journey through the death of a baby, know that God is trustworthy. He is able. And He can be relied upon to be your strength. Really, what can we gain by doubting Him? Without trust in God there cannot be peace, true joy, or contentment. Without trust in God things can easily seem to be without meaning or purpose. But through trust we find life-giving energy, love, and wisdom.

No, trust doesn't take away the pain, and it doesn't make life easy. But it really is all we have.

And it really is enough.

Short holiday message

Holidays can be a difficult time for those who have lost loved ones, including babies who died before birth. Take a moment to remember those around you who may be struggling to walk in joy this holiday season. Reach out, acknowledge their pain, be a listening ear, and give them permission to express what is on their hearts. “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” -Romans 12:15.

Poem - Abide in Me

I found this in a book - Safe in the Arms of Jesus, by Lightner. It is based on a poem by Rossiter W. Raymond.

Beside a grave I knelt in tears,
and felt a presence as I prayed.
I turned to Jesus standing near -
He said: "Be not afraid!"

"Lord, You have conquered death, I know;
restore again to life," I said,
"This little one that we loved so -"
He said: "She is not dead!"

"Not dead? That thought small comfort gives,
our emptied arms can't hold her near.
Now far way with You she lives -"
He said: "But I am here!"

"She is not lost who lives in You?
Grief says such things can never be.
Yet hope asks what the heart must do -"
He said: "Abide in Me!"

When My Heart Condemns Me

Several months ago I happened upon on a blog that quickly found a place in my heart. Check it out to read the entire story of this precious family: http://www.sweetbabyjames.info/. Abby and John Gjertsen have graciously given me permission to include parts of their story here for you.

Almost everyone I've talked to about miscarriage has felt some twinges (or large amounts) of guilt, wondering what they did wrong or could have done more right. Abby addresses this very issue in a recent post. Their son James lived 482 days; just this past August he died. A few months earlier they miscarried their daughter Dora. Please keep them in your prayers.

___________________________________________________

when my heart condemns me
Posted on September 4th, 2008 by Abby.

Today would have been James’s swallow study at the hospital. I have the detailed instructions for it marked through on my calendar, leaving no space to write anything new on today’s date. (That’s a good metaphor for my time right now–recently very full, and presently very empty.) The swallow study was supposed to give us a better understanding of what was making James choke on certain foods and thin liquids. I regret not spending more time trying to feed him by mouth, but we were waiting for the results of the study. He did enjoy eating, though. I wish I had tried to fit in more spoon-feedings simply because he liked it, at least until the coughing or retching began.

I regret a lot of things, looking back, and although everyone tries to talk me out of it, I feel a pretty sizable sense of guilt about James’s death. He was my responsibility. I was on duty. What if it was not his neurological problems that killed him, but something I did wrong? Maybe I should not have let him sleep on his tummy after he came home from the hospital (and was off all the monitors). The cloth diaper he was lying on might have kept him from breathing (although he was able to turn his head). His sugars were good…I had been giving him free water at night, but water should not cause any problems…I go through the list over and over in my mind.

I have confessed these things to God and begged His and James’s forgiveness. So when the guilt-tape starts playing again, I go to 1 John 3:16-20.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.

God knows that I really did try to lay my life down for James and love him with actions and in truth, although I was not perfect in faith, diligence, or courage. Christ enabled me to do what I did do, partly by setting me the example of love through His literal sacrifice. Hebrews 10:14-23 confirms that Jesus’ sacrifice was sufficient to secure our complete forgiveness for sin, and not only that, but also to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. That is the source of the hope we profess. And that is what I tell my guilty heart, as many times as it needs to hear it. God forgives me through Jesus, and Jesus has also cleansed me from a guilty conscience. God does work creatively and redemptively, even through my mistakes and bad decisions.

I like to think that James has forgiven me, too, if he needed to at all. I never knew him to hold a grudge when I had to hurt him in life, at least not for long. He seemed to understand that it was all meant for his good, and he would put it behind him pretty quickly (after an angry shout sometimes).

I will write soon about the divine comfort and joy God has given me since James died, but I wanted to share these thoughts first. I suspect that there’s a lot of guilt out there amongst parents, especially “special needs” parents (and medical professionals), who are responsible for life-and-death decisions and interventions day after day. I just wanted to share the verses that help me avoid the temptation to listen to my heart and despair.